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Was It Rape?

Guys never payed attention to me so when i got my first boyfriend online i thought he was perfect. I was 14 at the time and we met at the movies. Everything in me told me to run but i thought he was the only person who would ever love me. A few months into our relationship he was extremely controlling and jealous
I thought it was normal. I thought that just meant he loved me. At the time my mom and dad were getting a divorce and my mom moved in her boyfriend. He seemed nice. I didn’t know he was a child molester. I didn’t know home many kids he had hurt. He would force his hand between my legs. He would catch me with my back turned and run his hand down my back and grab my butt. I was so scared i would just try to avoid coming out of my room. one morning I woke up on my back which was weird because i always wake up on my belly. My pants were unzipped and had been slid down. I had sperm on my shirt. I pretend like it didn’t happen. After all i don’t even know what happened. I started sneaking out to see my boyfriend. We were making out in the back corner of my yard and he tried to force himself on my. I was saving myself for marriage so i tried to keep him off me which worked that time. He threw my underwear and a condom over the fence. I still don’t know why h e did that. The next morning my mother woke me up screaming that her boyfriend found something. In the same spot from the night before there was a pair of underwater he had gotten out of my room and a condom. I later found out from his ex-wife that he watched his daughters have sex and loved the idea of being caught. I tried to turn to my boyfriend. I went to his house to hang out and play call of duty. He started trying to get sexual and i said no. It didn’t stop him. He took my clothes of and forced himself in me. I just stared at the screen and tried to forget what was happening. I tried to forget where I was and who i was. I tried to forget everything. This became normal every time i seen him. I thought that meant he loved me enough to want me but i couldn’t figure out why he would hurt me. He started to get meaner. Once we were at my dads girlfriends and he asked me if i wanted to have anal sex. I said no that i had absolutely no desire for that at all. He kept on and i was tired of fighting so i said fine. He started to take his pants off and i changed my mind. I said that i thought it was a bad idea. That’s when he pinned me down he jerked my pants down and he forced his way in. It hurt so much more that anything i had ever felt. I thought i was going to die. It seemed to last a lifetime. I tried not to cry because I didn’t want him to have that satisfaction. As soon as he was done i ran to the bathroom. I felt so sick. I was bleeding and there was no one i could turn to. I was alone. Apparently he decided that was the best way to hurt me because that’s what happened for the next few years. Finally my family and i went on a vacation a few states away and i knew he could get to me there. I dumped him and i was finally safe. I’m not sure if it’s considered rape. There were times it felt good. I loved him so was it his right to do it? I’ve ended up going through a few other experiences in my life like these but not as bad. Now I’m married with a baby. I’ve told my husband about all this but i feel like i lied to him because i said it was rape. I’m sorry this is so long but i had to get it off my chest.

2 comments

  • Taylor
  • Alissa Ackerman

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