It always seemed like a joke to me, rape. Having a lot of guys as friends I felt so close to guys and felt I could trust then more, until one came along he was like a brother to me but he always told me he loved me and I didn’t feel the same but I felt I had to say it back, had to please him all the time. I had heard stories about how he could be violent but I had never seen that side of him luckily.
One day he came round mine he was like a family member my mum was always offering to take him in as he had a lot of problems at home. But one time he was just on top of me because I could say anything he tried to unzip my onesie and I grabbed his hand but he just shoved it away, I wondered what was happening to me but I just froze and even today it is a blur and I still can’t stand to hear the r word but I am so confused I never said no but I just lay there at the end and didn’t move I felt different like I wasn’t me anymore. I still see him around and my friends worship him I constantly blame myself and have no idea if it was or wasn’t.
I just want you to know that no whether you said no or not, what happened to you is not your fault. Sometimes when things like this happen our bodies freeze. It is actually a perfectly normal biological response to fear. Nobody can define what happened to you except for you, but whatever it is you decide to call it, please know that it was not your fault. It is okay to be confused and it is okay to not be able to hear the r word. It is okay to feel whatever it is you feel. I promise you that it was not your fault.