I still hear the little voice in my head questioning it. He was a good guy and just as drunk as I was. He probably didn’t notice that I blacked out. I was angry. He apologized. It’s ok. I’m just as much to blame. We were in college. We dated. I broke up with him. He just wanted to get back together. I broke his heart. I was the asshole. We’re still friends. That’s so cool. It wasn’t a big deal. It was a mistake. I got an abortion. I made him pay for it. That was payback. That was fucked up of me. I’m a terrible person. It’s my fault. I should have left early. I should’ve brought a friend. I should not have drank so much. I was so stupid. I should have said no before blacking out. Did I want to? I don’t think so, but maybe I did. I can’t remember. It was so long ago. It doesn’t matter. I’m fine. It’s probably happened to everyone. My friends have experienced so much worse. I have a family. He has a family. Should I still be friends with him? Am I weak? Am I strong? Am I ok? Did he really do anything wrong? Why do I still feel bad? Should I feel bad? My mom liked him. He loved me. He was abused as a child. He was the real victim. He didn’t know any better. It was complicated. Why don’t I talk about it? Am I just jumping on a bandwagon? He was feeding me beers when I wanted to go. He begged me to stay. He was trying to get me drunk. I couldn’t drive home. I trusted that I’d be safe with him.
Was it really rape?
— Survivor, age 35
Dear survivor – YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for what happened to you. It doesn’t matter if you dated him or you were drunk and you are certainly a terrible person. I’ve found that it’s easier to blame yourself because it feels like that means you could have prevented what happened – or that you can prevent it from happening to someone you love. But it was his decision to do the wrong thing and the fault lies with him. As you can see from the posts on this forum, what happened to you is all to common but that does not make it ok. You are not alone in this.
No matter what your friends have experienced, you are entitled to your feelings and to working through them. At the end of the day, pain is pain and anger feels the same no matter the nature of the assault. I would encourage you to see a therapist and work through all of this. You deserve to heal from this and I know you can do it. Lots of love, Alexis