I can’t believe I’m sharing this. I can’t believe I’ve come up with the strength to do it. I apologize in advance for writing so much.. Until this day the only person who knew was my husband.
It happened to me when I was 17. He was 17 too. He was the quarterback of our high school and every girl wanted to be with him and every guy wanted to be him. So you could understand my excitement when I recieved a snapchat from him. Now, before I get ahead of myself. I was born and raised in a Christian church and believed in saving myself for someone special. Back to the story.
He started off by saying how pretty I was and he had seen me in the halls and just had to get to know me. So we continued talking but never at school. The first time we hung out was at a fair with my family.
That’s where he first touched me inappropriately. I didn’t know how to react. I had never been touched down there. All I could think to do was push his hand away. He just laughed.
Few weeks later he invited me to his house. And as stupid as I was in accepting his invitation, that’s when it happened.. I’m not ganna pretend like I didn’t think something would happen. It’s different from the stories I read here. I took my own pants off. But as soon as I saw him undresses it just hit me. That I had kept a promise to do it with the person I loved, someone special. And I knew I didn’t love him. So I quickly said I didn’t want to anymore and tried putting my pants on. That’s when he pushed me on the bed and got on top of me. He’s much bigger and stronger and he was able to hold me down with one hand while he undressed me. I kept saying no while trying to scoot back. I can still Hear his voice when he kept saying “shhh it’s ok”. I could feel my tears running down my face thinking how could you see a girl crying and not stop?
I was mad. I’m still mad. He took something from me that I will never get back! I can’t describe the anger I feel! I hate him!
I met my husband a year after that happened. I guess him being my age is what led me to older men. I hope I’m not judged because I am very happy with him now but he is 38. (I’m 20) But he’s been so supportive and says he’ll always be my first and only. I love him more than I ever thought I’d be ever to love someone. He’s the reason I want to be better. A lot of the anger that I have now comes from what happened and I know it… I hope I can get passed this. I hope I can be happy in my marriage and not let this effect me.. I am a survivor and a fighter. And I will continue to keep fighting.
— Survivor, age 20
Dear survivor – first of all I am so grateful and glad you found the strength to share this. There is no need to ever apologize for how much you wrote. It is an honor to be a witness to your story. You were not stupid in accepting his invitation AND (this is really important) even if you took off your own pants you told him to stop. You said no. That is enough. I’m so glad to read that your husband is supportive and loving (as long as he treats you well there is no judgement here!). I would encourage you to seek out a therapist to deal with the feelings you’re feeling – including the anger. It’s a normal emotion to be feeling but working through it with someone who’s trained can help you get past it and have the relationship you want to have with your husband. I’m proud of you for sharing here and I believe in you. Sending you lots of love!! Alexis