I hung out with some people one knew and two that were strangers just to get liqour for me and my boyfriend can drink it when he got back from a month of us apart. I had a couple sips of it and before I knew it I had blacked out. I told them how much I loved my boyfriend that I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my whole life and Id never cheat or be with anyone else. I told them if the driVer is too drunk I can catch an Uber Home .
I can’t remeber anything of that night. I woke up the next morning in my friends bed with the wrong pants on. He told me he “took care of me” and that I pissed the bed. But I felt violated. I had uti and I felt sore and I started bursting into tears. But I didn’t remember anything. My parents were so mad at me and they told me they wanted to take me to the hospital. But I just cried and took a bath .
I was talking about stocks and my future before I blacked out . I felt so disgusting these guys were so sleazy and poor and ugly and just disgusting. I felt ashamed I knew Id never do anything but I don’t even remeber if I said no or anything for that matter. I loved my boyfriend so much.
The guys told so many people and it got around to my best friend knowing about it before I even got the chance to tell her. One guy even said he raped me.
I told my boyfriend on FaceTime and I was balling my eyes out. I couldn’t keep something like that from him. He cried and told me he still loves me but when he got back things were diffrent. He was distant we couldn’t have sex . He asked me why I hung out with those guys that it was partially my fault. I was so low and sad He ghosted me twice. But we moved on from it telling ourselves there’s a brighter future and we can’t dwell on the past.
But I still think about it at night and It makes me cry. He doesn’t know I still think about it .I take anxiety pills now. I never drink hard alcohol anymore, I don’t ever want to party or clubbing when I go to college . Just drink wine on only special occasions. I don’t want to hang out with any guys except my boyfriend.
I’ve asked god for forgiveness and to help me to forget. But I can’t forget. I just wish I never went . I wish I could have put a tampon in. I wish I never got so drunk. I wish I got a rape kit at the hospital. I wanted to kill them thought about it in my head . I know where they live . I just want it to go away . but I don’t think about it when I’m with him just when I’m alone. I feel it’s my fault I got so drunk and this happened to me. I should have known people this low in class, and that have no future , drop outs money stealers , would do this to me.
— Survivor, age 17
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. What happened to you is NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Not partially – not at all. It doesn’t matter where you were or if you were drinking or any of that. If you didn’t consent, that’s enough. Consent is not the absence of no but the presence of yes. That is, even if you didn’t say no, you weren’t in a state to consent so it’s STILL not ok and STILL not your fault. At all. I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist about what you’re feeling and what you’ve been through. You may never forget what happened but you CAN heal from what happened to you. Working through the emotions you’re feeling can help it not be on your mind every minute, every hour, or every day. I don’t think you need to be forgiven for anything. You did the most important thing – you survived. Please be kind to yourself.