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was raped and I don’t remember it

I hung out with some people one knew and two that were strangers just to get liqour for me and my boyfriend can drink it when he got back from a month of us apart. I had a couple sips of it and before I knew it I had blacked out. I told them how much I loved my boyfriend that I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my whole life and Id never cheat or be with anyone else. I told them if the driVer is too drunk I can catch an Uber Home .

I can’t remeber anything of that night. I woke up the next morning in my friends bed with the wrong pants on. He told me he “took care of me” and that I pissed the bed. But I felt violated. I had uti and I felt sore and I started bursting into tears. But I didn’t remember anything. My parents were so mad at me and they told me they wanted to take me to the hospital. But I just cried and took a bath .

I was talking about stocks and my future before I blacked out . I felt so disgusting these guys were so sleazy and poor and ugly and just disgusting. I felt ashamed I knew Id never do anything but I don’t even remeber if I said no or anything for that matter. I loved my boyfriend so much.

The guys told so many people and it got around to my best friend knowing about it before I even got the chance to tell her. One guy even said he raped me.

I told my boyfriend on FaceTime and I was balling my eyes out. I couldn’t keep something like that from him. He cried and told me he still loves me but when he got back things were diffrent. He was distant we couldn’t have sex . He asked me why I hung out with those guys that it was partially my fault. I was so low and sad He ghosted me twice. But we moved on from it telling ourselves there’s a brighter future and we can’t dwell on the past.

But I still think about it at night and It makes me cry. He doesn’t know I still think about it .I take anxiety pills now. I never drink hard alcohol anymore, I don’t ever want to party or clubbing when I go to college . Just drink wine on only special occasions. I don’t want to hang out with any guys except my boyfriend.

I’ve asked god for forgiveness and to help me to forget. But I can’t forget. I just wish I never went . I wish I could have put a tampon in. I wish I never got so drunk. I wish I got a rape kit at the hospital. I wanted to kill them thought about it in my head . I know where they live . I just want it to go away . but I don’t think about it when I’m with him just when I’m alone. I feel it’s my fault I got so drunk and this happened to me. I should have known people this low in class, and that have no future , drop outs money stealers , would do this to me.

— Survivor, age 17

1 comment

  • Alexis

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