He bought me a drink and we played shuffle board. All the while laughing and flirting. He was very charming. We took an Uber back to his place. We go inside and start making out. The drinks are all hitting me and feeling good. As we start to have sex I start to feel funny and the world slips away. Ow that hurts I say but he doesn’t care and continues biting my leg like it was meat. My body freezes up as if I can’t move, he doesn’t stop after I ask him to and I stare blankly at his red fraternity flag hanging on the wall, as he continues to fuck me harder and rougher a silent tear runs down my cheek.
Finally he falls asleep and I am too scared to move. I wait for what seems like hours to make sure he is really asleep before I go to leave.
As I’m waiting for the Uber to arrive I go to the bathroom, only to get stuck inside. I break down into silent tears in the bathtub, not wanting the man in the house to wake up. Finally I get ahold of a friend who is still awake and he comes and helps me out of the bathroom.
For a long time my brain shut itself away from the memories of this night. All I had was a large painful bruise, soreness, and a strange unsettling feeling. I shook it off at first until little flashes of the night kept busting through.
When I finally felt I was assaulted I decided to see someone on campus and their response to me was that I shouldn’t really try to “get into” that night right now because its not a good time and I should “move on”. I left her office in tears and disbelief. Her words to me left me feeling like maybe it really was nothing.
I went on feeling this way until one night in February I had a vivid dream of the night, I woke up in tears and ever since then, they only get more detailed.
I wish I could say I knew his name and reported him. I wish I could say that it would have made a difference if I had. All I know for sure is that I am a survivor, I am strong, I am valued, and I am loved.
Thank you Leah my amazing therapist for helping me to able to write about all of this and for helping me on my journey towards self-love and healing.
— Hayley, age 23
Hayley, you are amazing ! You were attacked by a criminal but you KNOW it is not your faultyou did not ASK for it and you care so much about other survivors, you are so wonderful And – you have found the most wonderful therapist – we need this, all of us You are doing everything so right and smart My heart goes out to you of what happened. Here at Brave Miss World you have fans who love you and wish the best for you. You deserve the best and that is what you will receive!
Dear Hayley – thank you so much for posting your story. I am so grateful for you and for your therapist and the work you’ve done. There really is no such thing as “just moving on” and it really enrages me when people give that advice. But you are proof that the right work can lead to a healing path. What happened to you was NOT your fault and you are making a difference by sharing your story here. Others will read it and someone – maybe lots of someones – will relate. And will see from your journey that healing can happen. Sending you so much love and respect! Love, Alexis