My first experience with sexual abuse was at age 3 or 4, I don’t remember but my mother told me in an almost joking matter about what the 14 year old girl next door made me do. Again almost everyday in the 7th and 8th grade. The school bus was especially a nightmare everyday at 3:45 -4:45 being touched slapped my clothes removed while others watched. I used to scream but the bus driver told me to shut my mouth. My first boyfriend was the main culprit, he lived across the street and made it his job to constantly humiliate me. Bullying me in public physically and sexually. After we broke up he had other boys hold me down and touch me as revenge.
I didn’t date again until age 18. a 25 year old I met online and agreed to let him take my virginity. He left me a week after and I met a new amazing man and became his girlfriend but the other man was jealous and I went to see him to talk things out with him and try to calm him down. I was kept in his basement for an hour and raped only when I started crying would He let me go feeling as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. I’ve now been with my current boyfriend 2.5 years and I love him dearly and don’t want to leave but I admit he occasionally takes advantage of me sexually. I’m hesitant to call it abuse or rape. Even though he’s holding me down and cooing in my ear to “relax baby, it won’t hurt if you don’t tense up. It’s okay, stop crying.”
(Sounds like something you’d tell a child that’s afraid to get a shot right?)
What am I doing wrong, maybe I’m too friendly or soft spoken. I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m starting to accept that these things will always be a part of my life.
You’re not doing anything wrong. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be doing that to you. I know it’s hard to leave someone you love. It took me 3 in a half years to leave my abusive partner. But it is possible. You can find a man who will never treat you like that.
First of all, I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. But what I want you to know is that your feelings are valid and important. Your current boyfriend IS raping you and is emotionally manipulating you to “consent”. I’m hoping you don’t live with him because I definitely recommend that you leave him in the safest way possible (perhaps go stay with friends or family just in case afterwards). What you are doing by staying with him is mental torture to yourself. Don’t ever try to convince yourself that you must accept that sexual abuse will always be a part of your life. You are the victim. Nothing you are doing is encouraging these men to do what they do to you. It is all their fault I promise you. You shouldn’t settle just because you don’t want to be alone or are scared you won’t find someone after him. You have other people in your life that love you, you don’t need a man’s love to be a woman. But of course, there are men out here that will treat you like you deserve. The important thing here is that you leave that man. Really thing about this, is this the type of man you’d like to be a father to any of your possible future kids? And if you don’t want kids think about having this man around your family and friends. Would you want this man to treat them like that? No. So hold yourself to the same standard my love. I wish you all the best.