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What am I doing wrong

My first experience with sexual abuse was at age 3 or 4, I don’t remember but my mother told me in an almost joking matter about what the 14 year old girl next door made me do. Again almost everyday in the 7th and 8th grade. The school bus was especially a nightmare everyday at 3:45 -4:45 being touched slapped my clothes removed while others watched. I used to scream but the bus driver told me to shut my mouth. My first boyfriend was the main culprit, he lived across the street and made it his job to constantly humiliate me. Bullying me in public physically and sexually. After we broke up he had other boys hold me down and touch me as revenge.

I didn’t date again until age 18. a 25 year old I met online and agreed to let him take my virginity. He left me a week after and I met a new amazing man and became his girlfriend but the other man was jealous and I went to see him to talk things out with him and try to calm him down. I was kept in his basement for an hour and raped only when I started crying would He let me go feeling as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. I’ve now been with my current boyfriend 2.5 years and I love him dearly and don’t want to leave but I admit he occasionally takes advantage of me sexually. I’m hesitant to call it abuse or rape. Even though he’s holding me down and cooing in my ear to “relax baby, it won’t hurt if you don’t tense up. It’s okay, stop crying.”

(Sounds like something you’d tell a child that’s afraid to get a shot right?)

What am I doing wrong, maybe I’m too friendly or soft spoken. I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m starting to accept that these things will always be a part of my life.

2 comments

  • Eloise
  • Bella

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