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What Happened?

There was a boy who I had went to elementary school with. I always had a crush on him. He was cute and popular and so many girls liked him. I would see him from time to time but it wasn’t until right before my junior of high school did he show interest in me. We started dating. We started with a lot of kissing and him touching me very early on. He started mentioning us having sex often. He was more experienced. I was a virgin and wanted to stay that way. I told him I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. He started pressuring me. He started guilting me and saying anything he could to make me feel like it was okay and that there was no reason why we shouldn’t have sex. But, I just was overwhelmed by the very thought of that. I wanted to date him, but not have sex. I told him this over and over. There were many conversations and back and forth arguments about this.

About 6 months into our relationship, we were supposed to be going to hang out with friends. He picked me up from home that night, but before we got to the friends home he pulled the car over on a residential street. It was very dark and no one seemed to be out. He started kissing and touching me and things were getting really intense. He got on top of me and started pulling my pants off and I got nervous. I thought he was just doing that keep touching me and try to finger me, but then he whispered “Do you just want to see what it feels like?” I was confused and so nervous and I honestly was not sure what he meant by his question. I didn’t say anything for a long time and then I said ” I am scared.” He inserted his penis in my and I was shocked and got so upset. I started grabbing at his shirt in the collar and repeating over and over “I am scared. It hurts, it hurts, I am scared.” I just thought he would stop. He just kept going and the pain was so awful. I almost ripping his shirt, tearing at it trying to deal with the pain. I don’t know why, but I kept telling him it hurt and that I was scared, looking for him to help me. I remember him at one point saying “shhhhhh…its ok.” It was like he was trying to comfort me even though he knew I was in pain and was scared and had told him over and over I did not want to do it. When it was all over, we talked in the car about something and I remember saying to him that I was a virgin and he almost chuckled and responded like “No you are not.” Almost like, I was dumb. But, it was like I did not even process that this was sex. I just remember feeling shocked when he said this. Tears welled up in my eyes and I thought “But, I didn’t get to choose.” We went on after that never addressing what happened. He went on and pushed and pushed and pressured me for sex, sometimes using alcohol and having sex with me after I had a lot to drink. Sometimes I would get the strength to tell him I really wanted to stop having sex with him. That it made me feel so horrible and that I was beginning to feel like I hated myself. But, I remember I would not speak up in the moment after he would keep trying and trying. I would just give up. I thought it was stop hurting, but it never stopped being painful. I would just lay there like I was dead trying to get through the pain of it. After being in this kind of relationship with him for a little of two years, I felt like I was losing my mind. With the help of some friends and the Lord I eventually was able to break up with him. I never saw anything that happened as rape, just pressure. This was many years ago and I just seeing that how he took my virginity was rape because I never consented to it.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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