I’m in a dark place, a very dark and empty room. I sit in the furthest corner away from the door, trapped inside my own thoughts. Im away from the world, trapped in a dark room with pain, violence and torture keeping me company. I can’t move or speak, Im silenced with the feeling of my heart cut open. My heart is bleeding, my blood is black because it consists of no love, its filled with guilt and hate. I sit here, with shadows surrounding me, these shadows are my friends and family. The dark room is my life and the door was a door leading to death. I sit with these shadows unaware of their presence, Im lost I can’t speak to them nor can I cry out loud for them to hear. Im silenced, 30 feet away from the door. This door is what will save me, This door is what will take it all away but, I wait. I hide my emotions so the shadows would disappear and not know that something is wrong. I want to stay locked in my thoughts, I don’t want to feel what Is inside me. I come closer to the door, I try opening it multiple times but it resists to be open. The door is locked, I sit and cry from the inside “let me out, I want to be free, I want to escape this living-hell”. This room, this life is too dark. Suddenly, I see light the shadows are glowing. I disappear and now Im on my lovely grey couch, their all here; My friends and Family are all here next to me. They aren’t shadows anymore but wait, the darkness is with me. I still remember the memories, I still feel the pain, racing episodes of everything that I wished would stay locked away. We are a package, the voice in me says, Your memories, your pain and you are all one package. They will never separate me. I smile, I talk, I laugh and act normal so I don’t get pulled back into that dark room. I silence my cries and my pain so everyone would believe that nothing is wrong. I live with it, i hide it and never show it. Im empty and fake but wait again! the brightness of where I am now, Why do I see darkness in it?, Why is that the color white, the color of a new page looks so black to me, or is it me? Do I see dark in everything bright? Do I run from happiness because I see no truth in it?. Im back in the dark room all over again. Im trapped again with more shadows surrounding me, I need to escape. Oh please help me escape, I want to leave without my package of sorrow, without the screaming voice of pain that blocks my happiness but how?. When i try to find piece its still there screaming for ease. The door, the door is what will silence everything. I need to open the door, Its my only way out.
This is never going to change.
— Ream, age 21
Thank you for sharing your story. Im sorry this happened to you.
Dearest Ream,
I want to acknowledge how much courage it took for you to write this. Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable. I always want to acknowledge that it takes just as much courage and strength to live with this pain inside of you everyday without speaking of it. What I’ve learned is that the more we try to hide the pain and the darkness the harder it is. It is only when we speak of it and give it truth that it begins to heal. I’ve also come to learn that this isn’t something we “get over”. It is something we “get through”. So scream. As loud and as often as you need to. The fact of the matter is that you, as you are, are enough. You are bold and brave and worthy of finding light. In time I hope you find that you can have light and happiness, while holding the darkness too. You are in my thoughts. Light and love, Alissa