Everything is very dream like to me, but it all started when I was about 4 years old. At that age, I didn’t know what sex was. My dad was never home, and I was afraid of my mom. I just don’t understand why my own uncle would do that to me. I never had the chance to even be a little girl, since he ripped my innocence away from me at a young age. I remember myself just laying there and my uncle on top of me. I wouldn’t do anything because I didn’t know what he was doing to me. I would just call it the “thing” and since I didn’t know what it was that he was doing to me, I never told anyone. He would do to me night and day, he had my parents trust and got along very well with my older brothers.
I wasn’t until I saw a show where a 7 year old was sexually molested by her Grandfather which resulted in a pregnancy that I realized that what happened to her, is what was happening to me. Ever since then, I would avoid my uncle until I eventually started to fear him. I was avoiding him every single moment, but it got to point where I didn’t want to sleep by myself. So, I started sleeping with my parents. That didn’t stop him though, he would still come in, in parents own room and he will touch me in my sleep. I don’t know why I didn’t say or do anything at that moment.
I was around seven or eight when he finally stopped doing things to me because every time he would try to kiss me or touch me I would yell my brother’s name. But even so, I never ratted him out. I don’t know why? Is it because I was used to it or, because I thought it was pointless. Eventually I know that God was with me because he eventually left the country because he didn’t like life in America. I was nine, and it was the happiest day for me, because I was free, I was finally able to breath in my own House. But, its now that I am 16 that I realized that I don’t know what to do. My parents don’t know, no one does. I feel that I moved on perfectly fine, I am not afraid of men nor my family members. I am not traumatized and don’t suffer from nightmares. My only problem is that I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the courage to tell my parents of something that happened almost 10 years ago. I know that God is with me, but I don’t have an answer to my problem. I am angry at myself for not telling my parents when I had a chance to when I was child. I just don’t know what to do.
— Survivor, age 16
Dear Survivor,
I am a Survivor too. The first step in my process of dealing with the sexual assault in my childhood was accepting the fact, that it was happening. That it wasn’t a dream or anything else, but an actual event, that influenced my whole life after.If it comes to that point, it’s like you have to kill a part of yourself a second time – the part, which is telling you, that you are “moving on just fine”. I was the same. I had a long-term-relationship and was doing great in school and later college. But, believe me, it did traumatised you and has a massive influence on you, your relation to yourself and your life-quality. And once you’re starting facing the past, you will be able to release all the pain you kept hiding from yourself. The pain, that makes you tense and exhausted, which you don’t even realise until it is gone. Don’t you feel different from others at your age sometimes? Do you feel lonely in very dark moments? Are these moments just gone the next day? That’s your brain, trying to avoid the confrontation, which helps you healing and keep on moving first, but will just destroy you at the end. I completly assure you, that you are still suffering from these events, even if you dont know this yet and i want to encourage you to stand up for yourself and accept, that this man did something very awful to you. And if you are at this point, sharing with your parents what had happened will become a natural part of your healing process. You may feel like a victim now, but at the end of the process you will be a survivor and you will be proud of this title. I wish you all strenght possible for your journey and I hope, that you will start it soon – you can only win in this, I promise you that.
I understand what your going through Im 15 now and I was 4 when I was molested by a family friend so to speak. But my mom knows. She just dismisses it. Never really asked about it. I dont know what to do either. I feel so alone