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What’s Done Is Done

I have had few sexual experiences but none of them have been entirely consensual. My first experience was when I was 14, I was playing truth or dare with what had been my two closest friends, a brother and a sister. I was dared to have sex with the brother while the sister watched. I kept saying no to begin with but they started using peer pressure and using their continued friendship against me so I had to say yes. I come from a small town, I had to keep what few friends I had. I lived on a large property at the time so all three of us went for a walk, eventually they stopped and told me to get on the ground and take off my pants. I did as I was told and it wasn’t long before the guy got on top and entered me. I was extremely uncomfortable and told them I didn’t want to do it anymore. Both the brother and sister kept saying it was normal and it would be over soon. I kept moving to try and get out from under him and luckily it deter red him enough to get off me. They both yelled at me and told me I was stupid and weak for not finishing.

A few months after that the sister started using every opportunity we were alone to use me. She said “we were exploring our sexualities” I was still only 14 with no interest in sex, especially after what had happened. But she used her friendship against me. I just did what ever she said and remained in uncomfortable silence. It continued for about a year, she moved away half way through the year but our parent still organized visits because we were “friends”. I don’t blame my parents, they didn’t know.

The last experience was less than a year ago, I have moved away from home and live in a share house. When I first meet the primary tenant I thought he was friendly and nice, i thought we would be awesome friends. About 6 months after I move in he breaks up with his on again off again girlfriend. This is when he starts becoming overly attentive. One day I’m watching TV in my room and he comes in to watch. He lays down on the bed so I move to sit away in the corner, distrustful. He eventually moves in real close and starts playing with my hair and than touching me and asking about my piercings and if it’s hard to keep my legs shaved soft. It does take long before he is touching me under my clothes and I just freeze and let it happen, scared that if I say no he might make me move out or worse he ends up taking me forcefully and hurting me more. I than tell him we should go to his room, I didn’t want it to happen in the bed I knew I would have to sleep in. While he goes to his room I go to the bathroom and consider coming back to my room and locking myself in. But the lock can be unlocked from the outside and I was scared he might try and hurt me. So I went to his room were he fingered me and made me give him oral sex. He told me to get out after he had come. Not long after we had a Halloween party and he got drunk, while I was alone in the hallway where the toilet is, he shut the door between me and my friends in the lounge room. He stood in between me and freedom and grabbed my face and tried to kiss me. I tried to pull away but he held me tight. I had to grab him around the neck before he let me go and I was able to dodge past to get to everyone else. A few weeks after, after he had gotten back together with his girlfriend, he came in and tried it again. He kept kissing the back of my neck, but I told him I was mad he had gotten drunk at the Halloween party and scared all my friends so they didn’t want to come to the house any more, I also told him what he had done and he blamed being drunk, saying he wasn’t like that. He kept kissing my neck and saying “let me make it up to you” I just sat on the ground frozen, I had moved off the bed to escape him and he kept getting closer and closer and I couldn’t move any further away. He eventually gave up and left me in peace.

If I ever get into a situation like that again I know I’m going to fight, we should never stop fighting.

— Survivor, age 22


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