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When Is Rape Actually Rape?

It is very hard for me to share my story with the world. For the first time in eleven years I’ve decided to share it with others. There is a couple of people who knows little about it, but none has ever gotten the full story. I’ve kept my story to myself since I realized not even my family worried about it. It wasn’t their problem. They didn’t even believe me when I told them what had happened to me. They said it was my imagination.

In 2004, when I was only seven years old, I was “raped” by my brothers and their two friends. Since the story is about four different guys, and I want to keep track on which boy did which act, I’m gonna use fictive names for all of them.

My two older brothers, Henry and George, and I were visiting some of their friends, Thomas and Jacob, when I suddenly felt sick. I wanted to rest, so I lay down in a camper in the backyard. I didn’t even manage to fall asleep before Henry and his friend, Thomas, picked me up. They said we were going to have dinner, and as I was feeling sick, I really looked forward to get some food. I was starving. But we didn’t go in to the dining room as I thought. Instead they followed me to the ceiling where George and Jacob was waiting for me. They’ve put a porn on the television and Jacob was naked. In just a few seconds Thomas managed to undress himself as well.

I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t right. I wanted to escape but my brothers wouldn’t let me. Henry blocked the door so I couldn’t get past him. Henry and Thomas wanted me to take of my clothes as well and when I refused, they forced me. My brothers and Thomas held me as Jacob undressed me. When they have gotten all my clothes of me, they pushed me down on a mattress. I cried for help, but no one could hear me. We were home alone in the middle of nowhere. As Jacob lay on top of me, George kept me quiet. He tried to strangle me as I wouldn’t stop crying. Jacob put his penis inside my vagina while his brother, Thomas, put his penis inside my mouth. I fought against the three of them, when Henry joined them.

Henry and George held me hostage as their friends did so many disgusting things with my tiny little body. They were four guys to hold me down as I got raped. Two of them are my own brothers. I was in so much pain, mentally and physically, and I’m never gonna forget that. When I finally managed to escape, I got caught and they started all over. And as revenge for me running away from them, the act got even worse. I got hit so many times, that the blood dripped of from everywhere of my body. I was thrown down the stairs multiple times and then Thomas and Jacob would rape me all over again. My brothers didn’t hit me. They just stood there doing nothing. For more than two hours I was beaten and raped. My brothers didn’t rape me either, but they held me down against my own will and allowed their friends to rape their little innocent sister.

When our parents finally picked us up and I was away from hell, I fell to the ground. I cried so hard that I thought I’d never stop again. I told mom everything that happened, and then she laughs at me and tells me that I’m lying. She tells me that you don’t joke about being raped. But I never said I was raped. I didn’t even know what rape was. I knew what violence was and I knew that what had happened the entire afternoon was so wrong. But I never mentioned rape. I never felt more alone than I did at that time. My parents didn’t believe me, so I was devastated. Since I was only seven years old and didn’t have a clue about what really happen, I never told anyone about it. They shouldn’t think that I was lying. I was just looking for help and no one would give it to me. I was all by myself.

When I was 13, I tried to kill myself the first time. There was boy at my old school, who knew my secret. I have no idea where he’d heard it from, but he started mocking me about in. He said that I didn’t deserve to live, and that it was my own fault my brothers and their friends raped me. He said that I deserved it. He screamed into my crying face that he would rape me and then kill me because the world would be better of without me. I feared being raped so badly, that I tried to commit suicide just a couple of weeks afterwards. And then I got told I was seeking attention. I have never told anyone the real reason I tried to kill myself before and I don’t think I ever will.

— Rikke

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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