Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognise the person looking back? Lately i don’t even know who I am. I’m doing things so out of character and I don’t like it. I keep drinking on a weekend which is fine but I fail to know my limit. I get absolutely plastered and can’t remember a thing. I’ve broken up with my boyfriend of 7 years because I felt as though I’m on a downwards spiral. I feel as though I’m becoming self destructive. I know I’ve done the right thing about my relationship because I don’t love him anymore. I think after I was assaulted last year it’s changed him and me. I wanted him to get help but he wouldn’t. He became a little controlling (understandably). I think I started to rebel because of it. I wanted time on my own to rediscover my self and fall back in love with the person I am. Problem is this isn’t me. I’m a little lost in life and don’t know if I can find my way back.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
— Survivor, age 20
Hi hunny…I’ve been in the same situation as you where I lost myself after a terrible ordeal. I was unable to look myself in a mirror, it was as if I feared myself. I will tell you that it doesn’t get easy no matter how many times you cry yourself to sleep but as long as you open up to someone trustworthy you will find it easier to move on, then there will be times when you will forget that it ever existed and then there where will be times when you would remember because of a trigger but it won’t cause you to harm yourself in way.
Concerning your boyfriend you made the right choice in order for you to heal but don’t be too hard on him too because not all men know how to deal with something like this…I’ve had many reactions from male friends so I know…
I don’t know if you may be religious but God was my only strength and he was able to help me overcome it.
Dear survivor,
Thank you for sharing this reflection. To answer your first question, yes. I think many survivors know what you mean by looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person looking back. Living in the aftermath of assault can be lonely and confusing. Many people wonder how or if they will go back to being the person they were before. I don’t know that we ever go back to how it was “before”. I think we learn to integrate what happened and then “become” the person we are in the aftermath. It makes sense that you feel lost right now. Assault can shake the very core of who you are and the foundation you stand on. I truly believe that healing is possible, but I also recognize that it is different for each person to figure out in their own time and in their own way. So, if you can, try to be patient and kind with yourself. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about where you are. You are simply reacting normally to an abnormal thing that happened to you. You’ve got this. I am sending you light and love. ~ Alissa