June 23, 2016 is the day when I lost myself. I am not the same person as I used to be. The happy preppy girl died. Daniel killed that girl. All the people that were involved wont ever be forgiven. Its May 14, 2017 and I still suffer the pain. I have to relive this day over and over again. Its like a never ending roller coaster. It all started so innocent, helping out a friend and then it ended up being violently raped. It was none stop to the point where I stopped fighting. I lost and everything inside me was numb. My mind wasn’t my mind anymore, my body wasn’t mine. Was this the worst part? No. Blacking out and no knowing what happened and telling the cops your story and having to repeat it. The hospital was horrible, I remember having to tell 5 people in the period of one hour. Then going back home and not able to sleep, hours pass and nothing. The guy I was with for almost 4 years leaving me and I was all alone. If I did went to sleep it was only for an hour, waking up with my own screams and pleading for help. Having no one that understands the pain, the anger, being scared, and the emptiness inside. This drove me to commit suicide but then being taken to the hospital. I finally was sleeping with the help of medication but medication wasn’t helping with the emptiness I felt. I started Stony Brook University with all these problems and ended up failing every class and almost getting kicked out of the University. It hasn’t been a year of the accident but I still feel like it was just yesterday.
— Survivor, age 21
Dear survivor – thank you for sharing your story here. I want you to know that even if you are by yourself, you are not alone. There are so many people in this community who support you and can empathize (whether or not they actively comment here). The nightmares and emptiness you describe are actually pretty relatable to me – but I know it can feel like you’re SO alone in those feelings. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about what happened and what you’re feeling. They can help you find ways to cope and heal. You may not be the same person you were before but you will see the beauty that is underneath the pain. I believe in you and I know you can do it. Love, Alexis
I know how hurt you feel. But you can’t think that you could have done anything differently. I promise you there was NOTHING you did wrong. All you did was try and survive. I always say that you could be running naked through a registered sex offended area and NO ONE EVER has the right to put their hands on you without consent. I hope you have an army of friends and support systems to help you get through these things! You are the true embodiment hope and carrying on in this cruel world. Remember this please! You are beautiful! And special! You are not tainted or impure!. People don’t understand the pain they cause you that you will carry around forever, but you will survive! Not just survive but thrive! Because you are a survivor! I am always here to talk to you anytime you need an ear. I plan to also volunteer at a rāpe crisis hotline if you ever need help! Something that might help is the poem called TO THIS DAY along with any others who find themselves victims to assault. I believe you. If no one does and no one is there I am! I promise i believe you! Once again I’m sorry you had to go through this and I thank you for sharing your story. ❤️
Dear “Why I am the Way I am”,
You are braver and stronger than you believe just for sharing your story. As someone who was raped by someone I knew as well, I can tell you it DOES get better. Hang in there and DO seek help. You did NOT deserve to be a victim. The happy, pretty girl is still there inside of you and you CAN come back from this horrible violation. I know because I was able to and I know you will be able to as well. Know that you we are all sending our love and thoughts to you and rooting for you! It truly is a journey but through the journey you will heal and you will be even stronger than you can ever imagine. With much love, compassion and empathy for you. -Nicole