First, I apologize if my grammar is bad. I live in Sweden and english is a little tricky for me. But, I still want to tell my story!
I was between 4 – 5 years of age the first time I was assaulted. It was my older brother who did it and I put all the blame of what happened on myself. I didn’t try to tell anyone, I was ashamed even though I didn’t even have any words for what was going on. I was too little to know.
It happened numerous times after that, and I remember when I reached puberty how I used to shower for hours and hours after he had raped me. Sometimes he would break into the bathroom and rape me again in the shower. I didn’t feel safe anywhere, not even in my own home.
I eventually told a friend when I was 14 and it gave me the courage to make him stop by telling him I would tell everyone about it if he didn’t. I felt kind of strong and in control for the first time in my life. I felt free.
My second experience of rape happened a year ago. I was out drinking beer with a group of friends and I kind of felt weird after one drink. Like, I have a rather high tolerance to alcohol and I can usually drink quite a lot.
But this one drink made me dizzy and I just knew somehow that the bartender had put something in it without my knowledge. The next thing I know I’m on the floor of the bar. I could barely see anyone else there, it was so dark and I couldn’t stand up. My legs just didn’t respond.
I suddenly felt someone coming up behind me and pulling down my pants and underwear. I tried to turn around, as I was on my stomach, who was it? I tried to kick him off. He just laughed. I couldn’t scream, I felt paralyzed. He raped me and then he forced me to give him oral sex. I totally spaced out. I imagined being on a beach, safe and happy. He let me go and I ran all the way home – I didn’t care about anything else at that moment.
This assault happened a year ago. I still cannot eat any foods that reminds me of it. I didn’t report it because I don’t trust the justice system in my country. He would probably not even be jailed. Also, once again, I put the blame on myself. But, I survived and everyday is a struggle.
— Mary, age 20
I love your story, I’m also a survivor. I’m writing a book and would love to include people’s stories from around the nation aside from my own and a few friends that I’m aware of.
Hello there, Emme! Thank you. It’s great to hear that you’re writing on a book. If you’d like to include my story, you could do so with all my blessings. <3
Sad that man need to put in jail
Hi skeha, I agree with you.
Dearest Mary,
Nothing about what happened to you is your fault. Many many survivors put the blame on themselves. It is as if taking on the blame is easier than recognizing that another human being is capable of such terrible things. It took a lot of courage to tell your friend what was happening to you and even more courage to say something to your brother. You took back your control! It makes sense why you wouldn’t report your assault in the bar – this is common no matter what country you live in. Still, the blame is not yours. I hope you find that the struggle gets easier with time and with additional healing. You are very brave. Light, love, and solidarity, Alissa
P.S. – Your English is just fine!
Hi and thank you so much, Alissa! Trying to accept it wasn’t my fault, but having a hard time feeling it in my heart. Someday I’ll reach that point and my heart will know. I’m still working on this. <3
Dear,
Your English is just fine. Never give up fight for your rights. I also cannot understand where were your friends at the bar. Don’t just call people friends when they cannot be there for you when you need them.
Take care.