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Why Me?

First, I apologize if my grammar is bad. I live in Sweden and english is a little tricky for me. But, I still want to tell my story!

I was between 4 – 5 years of age the first time I was assaulted. It was my older brother who did it and I put all the blame of what happened on myself. I didn’t try to tell anyone, I was ashamed even though I didn’t even have any words for what was going on. I was too little to know.

It happened numerous times after that, and I remember when I reached puberty how I used to shower for hours and hours after he had raped me. Sometimes he would break into the bathroom and rape me again in the shower. I didn’t feel safe anywhere, not even in my own home.

I eventually told a friend when I was 14 and it gave me the courage to make him stop by telling him I would tell everyone about it if he didn’t. I felt kind of strong and in control for the first time in my life. I felt free.

My second experience of rape happened a year ago. I was out drinking beer with a group of friends and I kind of felt weird after one drink. Like, I have a rather high tolerance to alcohol and I can usually drink quite a lot.

But this one drink made me dizzy and I just knew somehow that the bartender had put something in it without my knowledge. The next thing I know I’m on the floor of the bar. I could barely see anyone else there, it was so dark and I couldn’t stand up. My legs just didn’t respond.

I suddenly felt someone coming up behind me and pulling down my pants and underwear. I tried to turn around, as I was on my stomach, who was it? I tried to kick him off. He just laughed. I couldn’t scream, I felt paralyzed. He raped me and then he forced me to give him oral sex. I totally spaced out. I imagined being on a beach, safe and happy. He let me go and I ran all the way home – I didn’t care about anything else at that moment.

This assault happened a year ago. I still cannot eat any foods that reminds me of it. I didn’t report it because I don’t trust the justice system in my country. He would probably not even be jailed. Also, once again, I put the blame on myself. But, I survived and everyday is a struggle.

— Mary, age 20


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