Why me

So, a little over 9 years ago was the day my life changed forever. I was out with some friends we got chatting to some guys at in the bar I went to get a round of drinks for my friends and one of the guys followed me to the bar and we got chatting. I took the drinks over to my friends and continued chatting to this guy, I told him I had to go the bathroom and he put his hand out to hold my drink which I gave him. I went to the bathroom when I came back I took back my drink and continued our conversation before too long I started to feel really drunk which I thought was odd as this was only my third drink I then started to feel dizzy so thought I would just head home and call it a night. I said goodbye to this guy and told him I was heading home as I was feeling unwell, I then went and got my stuff and said goodbye to my friends. I made my way outside to get a taxi and go home. When I got outside I started to feel really dizzy, I sat on one of the chairs outside the pub to steady myself and the guy from the bar appeared and said he would help me get a taxi. I don’t remember a great deal after that but I remember being in the taxi and he was there and I just kept saying I want to go home. The next thing I remember is waking up my whole body was hurting, my head was pounding I kept trying to pull my hands to my face but could feel that they were tied and I couldn’t move them and he was on top of me having sex, I was desperately trying to remember how I got here and what was happening. I told him to stop as he was hurting me and he just laughed in my face and told me I deserved this and said he was glad I was awake so he could see how much I was enjoying it I just kept asking him to stop and he then put his hands around my throats and started to choke me until I nearly passed out. He continued to have sex with me until he was finished then just lay on top of me. I felt so disgusting he was disgusting I will never forget h is smell as long as I live. He then got off me and left me tied to the bed I lay there for what felt like forever just begging for him to let me go. After a while, he got back on the bed and done it again. Once done he then untied me told me to get dressed and go as he had finished with me. He said he had taken pictures of me and would post them on the internet if I reported it. I managed to get myself home I got in the shower and spent to next two days in bed and showering. My alarm then went off on Monday morning for work and got up like nothing had happened. I then spent the last nine years trying to ignore it and have recently been diagnosed with ptsd and have recently started counseling. I just feel so broken and don’t know how to move on from this.

— Amanda, age 400