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You Were My Friend

Only 15 and happy to be seeing you after I had been on vacation for awhile. You and another friend of mine who was a girl. I was tired for I had not slept well the night before. We were all in your room eating nachos and watching tv just like we had hundreds of times before. I felt sleepy so I lay down. Fighting to stay awake I lost my battle. My last memory before drifting off to a deep sleep is my girl friend telling me she had to leave to work and would be back later. I awake suddenly and the room is dark, you are next to me hand up my shirt where it should not me. Lips pressed against mine when they should not be. I freeze and debate how to proceed from here. Your hands wander all over my body up my shirt still and way too far down my shorts waistband. Before I can yell or scream or startle you I am saved by your doorbell. More friends have come to visit. You were such a good friend to my boyfriend. I confront you and you beg me at first then threaten me to never tell him. I do eventually and he doesn’t believe me. I tell my friend who had gone to work and she confesses that he has done that to her too. We are both in tears by the time the stories are out and we wonder how many others have you tricked and touched.
Still only 15. You were such a good friend to me and I felt bad for you. Your dad had kicked you out and I offered you a place to stay for the night. You had never done me any wrong and I wanted to help. I dragged a mattress on to the floor by our tv for you and you settled down. I lay on the couch and doze off a bit. I awake to you touching me in places you should not. Fingers where they should not be. I startled you by shooting up and freaking out. You seem panicked and tell me to calm down and it was just a bit of fun. I tell you to get out and you do. I don’t talk to you again after that. I only tell one person who lets me cry on them but says nothing.
Yet again 15, though nearly 16 now. We were partying and you were my friend. You were like my big brother, always looking out for me and taking care of me. You promised to watch out for me that night. You had never done me and wrong. You were so decent and kind. I drank more than I expected to and ended up drunk. I felt sick so I asked you to help me lay down. Your bought me to a bed as I stumbled you caught me and sat beside where I lay giving me sips of water. I was glad to have you there. I felt my eyelids close and I doze off a bit. I wake up to you next to me. Arm around me. Hand down my panties and sweatpants where it should not be. I am still tipsy and can’t react right away. I hear you unzip your pants and I act immediately. I jump up crying and asking if you were going to rape me. Unaware you already had without going any further. You said nothing and we never talked again.
So close to being 16 now. I go to another party with the same friend from the first incident and our guy friend. I decide not to drink and neither does she. Two boys seem interested in us but our guy friend makes them keep their distance. I drink my pop that was on the table near us and so does she. It tastes a little off but I think nothing of it. Then everything droops. I feel off balance and saggy. So does she. The two boys from the party get closer and closer. They each take one of us and begin to kiss us. Our guy friend tries to get them to piss off but they are rude towards him and scary. He’s only him and there’s two of them. When he’s not looking they slip us away to a taxi they had called and we go to the nearest of their houses. My friend is crying and I’m trying to comfort her despite being extremely drugged myself. You pulled me aside and he pulled her in another direction at the house. So much unwanted kissing and the angry hickies you gave me left me scarred for weeks after with your reminder. You take my wobbly hand I barely control and use it to make me pleasure you. You kept trying to force my head down to your crotch where you lay exposed. Pushing harder and harder and harder. I break away from you and you finally give up. I cry myself to sleep afraid and worried about my friend. In the morning we don’t talk about it. We don’t want to think about it. We are too sick feeling and scared. We tell no one and we never know what we drank.
1 year, 4 times, 3 close friends, 1 stranger.
I ended up afraid of men, afraid to befriend males. Some time later with good friends supporting me after finally opening up to people I managed to move on. People often tell me it was not really rape. There was no penetration or anything. Well I stand for all the people who don’t get to say that they were raped just because it wasn’t penetrative. I was touched against my will in my private areas along with drugged and used for sexual purpose and that is not ok. We the people who have experienced the unwanted actions or touch of another are rape victims too. The memories still haunt me, Every time I close my eyes to try and sleep.

2 comments

  • Alissa Ackerman
  • Mayuri Kanole

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