I was…young. Five or six when my brother raped me. I didn’t know what was going on. He had just pulled me into this small hallway that connected the bedroom hallway and kitchen. He had pulled out his penis and told me to touch it. Told me to pump it and to put my mouth on it. ‘Pretend it’s one of those Popsicle you like.’ To this day I can’t eat another Popsicle. He then told me to lay on my back and entered me. It hurt, god it hurt so badly, but i kept quite. I was so confused and he kept saying ‘it feels good right? you said you wanted to do this, didn’t you?’ This killed me. For the longest time I felt this was my fault, because I said yes. But I was six.
This happened multiple times. They blur, but I can remember bits and pieces. I remember going to the bathroom and crying from how much it burned. I remember every time my parents left I was filled with dread because I knew what was going to happen. When I finally told my parents they sat both me and my brother down and asked us. My brother denied it and I cried. I cried so much I made myself sick. My parents said this ‘either you let this go or we’re going to take you to see a therapist’. I was ashamed, I was scared, I felt this was all my fault. I was SIX! I said I would let it go.
To this day I have never confronted my brother again, there are times I can forget what he did, but it is always there. I want to confront him, I want him to feel as horrible as he made me feel. I hate that he’s got this perfect life and is the perfect son, while I struggle. But I don’t bring it up. His wife is like a real sister to me and I love her more then anything and i can’t hurt her like that.
Twenties years have passed and I still tense when someone comes up behind me. I can’t be in the same room with my brother alone. I still get physically ill. I don’t trust, I don’t let people close easily. I get called a bitch, and standoffish. I get called anti-social just because my trust was violated as bad as my body, but I can’t say why.
Twenty years and only my parents, brother and I know the truth. And my parents are now gone. Now it’s just me and my brother and I can still feel the weight crushing on me.