Now that I am a mother of a teenage daughter I realize that my assault wasn’t just because I was young and dumb. For years I blamed myself for drinking with those guys I hardly knew, and when it happened to my daughter I caught myself thinking “How dumb of her”. But after going thru this with her I realize that it was not our fault for letting our guard down. Even though we were questioned over and over again about her intentions before going out, and hearing them say “Why did you drink so much”. It was not our fault, we were not young and dumb. We were doing normal teenage things, unfortunately around people who were not taught to respect women. I never told my story until the day she told me it was her fault. Her and I have a very strong relationship and have been there to help each other heal. Unfortunately her attacker was never charged, and neither was mine. But that will not keep us from our happiness, because we will give them power if we continue to hold on to it!!
— Jolyn, age 37
Jolyn, your post is, despite the hard part of you and your daughter suffering, a beacon of light to many. I wish every girl who writes in could could have such a wise and loving mother. I am going to quote you in the future because your words matter very much – It is NOT the survivors fault for just wanting to be a normal teenager – it is the fault of the criminals for doing what they KNOW is wrong. The word “dumb” does not apply to you and your daughter. the words which apply to you guys is ” family, love, strength, healing,future,human,brave” A good thing to do would be to talk to a counselor together to get even stronger. Nothing can bring a happy ending more effectively than a good loving mom – no one can take that away from YOUR girl – thank you for the privilege of learning from you!
Dear Jolyn – thank you so much for sharing your story. The “young and dumb” narrative has been shockingly perpetuated but is so deeply wrong. Drinking does not give anyone the right to touch you – or your daughter or anyone else – without consent. I am so grateful you are there for each other and I would encourage you to talk to a counselor if you need it – or even if you’re not sure. They can help you work through issues that might be hard to talk to your daughter or that you just might want another pair of eyes. Wishing you and your daughter support, love, and healing. Love, Alexis