Senior Trip

I was 18 years old when I was raped. This event occurred about 6 months ago, on my senior trip. I got extremely intoxicated with a big group of friends. Friends I’ve grown up with. One of my friends was around me pretty much the whole night, a male friend. He watched me drink, and drink and drink until he knew I wasn’t in my right mind anymore. While he sat back and watched me, he never touched a single drink. He was completely sober the whole night. A group of us went down to the beach. I was drunk at this point but still able to recall. I remember stumbling around with a girlfriend of mine and getting sandy. Four of us went up to one of the hotel rooms we were close to and I wanted to shower because of all the sand on us. By then we drank more. I remember getting in the shower with my girlfriend and the two guys we were with followed us in. My two friends eventually got out and left me in there with the other boy. He touched and tried to kiss me and I kept telling him to get off of me and he wouldn’t. Finally I stuck my head out of the shower and told me two friends to help. I was so drunk I felt like iI couldn’t control my body. So instead of taking me seriously they continued to laugh and leave the bathroom. I managed to get out of the shower, and as I was drying off the boy started touching me again. He shut the door and slammed me up against the sink. I was beating on the door for help and no one came. I pushed the kid off of me and the last thing I remember is exiting the bathroom and yelling at everyone in the room to keep him away from me. I went into the bedroom to lay down. I felt sick and tired and I was scared but too intoxicated to leave. so I laid down on the floor. I asked my other guy friend to stay with me so the other boy wouldn’t try anything. He didn’t. He left me on the floor by myself. and eventually the other guy laid down beside me. I don’t remember a lot of this point on. My memory comes back in bits and pieces. I remember a moment when he was on top of me. and I just laid there. I felt numb. I remember him forcing me to get on top, and I tried to fight but he wouldn’t let me go. And then I remember waking up next to him. With just a t-shirt on that wasn’t mine. I’m not sure how it got on me. I’m not sure when my underclothes came off, because I know I showered in my bra and underwear. A lot of it is a blur. In some ways I’m thankful I don’t remember a lot. In some ways I wish I did remember. It took me about a month to tell my parents. I refused to report it. By this time everyone was talking about me and just saying I cheated on my boyfriend and had sex with a bunch of guys. Rumors spread quickly. I felt so helpless. I started seeing a therapist. She told me I had PTSD. I had nightmares. The guilt was unreal. The loneliness was almost unbearable. Six months later to this day I still haven’t told anyone. But, I just watched the documentary on netflix and I might have changed my mind on some things.

— Allison