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Was It My Fault?

My experience has left me confused so I would really appreciate it if someone could help me understand this. First off I was 19 when this happened & I’m 20 now. This happened back in September of 2015. I was in a sexual relationship with a Marine & I had given my virginity to him after a few glasses of wine. He asked me if I wanted to go to bed with him & I stupidly said yes to him & we had sex. A couple of weekends later we met up again & we did oral. I was giving him head but I was not deep throating because I am not comfortable with it. Giving head & deep throating are 2 different things if I’m not mistaken. I have consent to him for me to give him a blow job, as I was giving it to him he asked me “How deep can you go?” & I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to tell him no because I didn’t want to disappoint him. So what I did was go just a little bit further down but only a little to satisfy him. Well I guess it didn’t satisfy him because he then put his hands on the back of my head & pushed my head all the way down his shaft & began thrusting himself into my mouth all the way. All I could think was “I wanted out of there”. I tried forcing my head backwards to get out of it but he continued to have my head pinned down on his genitals where I couldn’t break out of it. I knew then I had no control of the situation or my body at that point. I couldn’t talk because I was being gagged & I was scared. I was gagging & I remember thinking “oh my god I’m about to vomit! I don’t want this!” I don’t remember how long this went on or what exactly happened after but it left me feeling violated in a way. Can someone help find out if this was sexual assault of any kind? Thank you!

— Survivor, age 20

2 comments

  • Sara
  • Julie

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