I had a friend who I quickly became very close with. I was very depressed at the time and he was too so I spent all my time with him and went to his house everyday. However, when I started falling asleep there, he would touch me and I would stay frozen, so he never knew that I knew. But I would always become disgusted at the elevation of his mood afterwards, or feeling him get turned on.
There was something so hurtful about the way he say an opportunity out of my trust and vulnerability around him. Soon I gave up and just told him he could if he wanted to. So he would touch me while I was awake as I sang to myself and counted down the moments. We started dating and I would have sex out of appeasement, because I wanted to be loved. I feel disgusted now in myself. The whole time I would think about stabbing him, or stabbing myself until it was over.
Now looking back, I know my depression lasted as long as it did because of this. It gave me trust issues. I started self harming more than I was before. I cut off all my hair. It really changed me. I am not dating him anymore, and I don’t think he is a bad person. He was good to me much of the time. But I have never been happier than now in my life, with someone who respects me and reassured me that it was wrong but I can grow from it.
It is really empowering and inspiring for survivors to read your story, because it shows that you can grow from traumatic experiences. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. It will help a lot of people.