A Survivor’s Mindset

This is my 12th year as a survivor of sexual abuse. I have struggled with emotional and psychological effects for years and still fighting against it today. I have suffered slight depression, shame, guilt, self-blame and anxiety. I experience self-blame with a broad range of things from a baby tripping in front of me getting a skinned knee to a dog getting hit by a car after trying to save him. I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis and this takes a toll on my patience and ability to communicate well. I am always feeling like a burden, therefore I restrict myself from telling people certain drops I go down in my life. Because I was molested at such a young age, it advanced my knowledge of adult hood including sex. Most girls who have been sexually abused are more care free when it comes to sex, but I’m the opposite. I treasure my virginity more than a normal might. I tend to feel guilty when I do get aroused and there’s been times I feel guilty when I’m interested and have even experienced lack of interest. At age 7, I discovered masturbation. At age 9, I was diagnosed with Enuresis also known as bedwetting. I carried the secondary form which is proven to be caused by sexual abuse. I suffered bullying from then on out but constantly denied and ignored the fact that I suffered from this trauma response. I deal with the long-term effects on my own now after having a counselor years ago. I’m not healed completely and I settle with the fact that I won’t ever be, but I am the victim. I did survive. I am a survivor of the undesired sexual force that was brought upon me. Molestation has such a short duration, but the time you spend suffering from it is forever.

– Mariah Ryan
Age, 17