At first I really thought it was normal what happened, but around the age of 12 it started haunting me. At night or during the day, it didn’t matter. I was always scared and wanted never to be seen
I was at that time 7 when he first began to ask me things, like can you undress yourself in front of me, like it was nothing. I didn’t understand it, the only thing I knew was that I didn’t like it. But I was scared of him. And after a few times he asked more, he wanted more of me. That was when he started raping me, he said it was normal. That everyone did this, but still I had to be quiet about it. I wasn’t aloud to talk about it, otherwise he would make me regret it.
I’m not sure anymore for how long it went on, but he luckily stopped when he got a girlfriend. But the pain, nightmares and anxiousness are still around me. He acts like nothing happened, that what he did to me was nothing. Even more like, he did nothing to me
But the fact that I still have to see him every day, that I have to pretend that there is nothing, well that’s killing me. I can’t let it go and I’m scared to talk about it. Because I know when I speak up, nothing will be normal again. I can’t imagine how it would be like then,if my parents would know it. I’m terrified for everything what has to do with it.
Because I know how he is really like, I know how sick he is. But nobody knows that, they act like he is the best in everything, how amazing there son is. Well if I would tell my family, I know that it will be a total shock, that my brother would do that. I’m even scared that they won’t believe me, that I’m crazy..
And somewhere in my heart I can’t find the courage to tell it. Because I don’t want to hurt my parents, and even his girlfriend, even though I don’t like her. But it’s breaking me and I know that it would be better if I would tell it, the only problem is that I’m scared.
— Marit
Marit,
Your fear is real and everything you say makes sense. The truth of the matter is that sometimes when survivors speak up they aren’t believed. If you do speak out, you might face family members who don’t believe you. You might face hurtful things said to you and you might face disbelief. They might not believe you, but I promise you, you are not crazy.
Only you can decide if and when you are ready for that, but I can tell you that your truth is your truth and NOTHING is more powerful than standing in your truth.
You took a huge step by writing your story here. I hope it is the first of many that help you on your journey to disclose what happened to you. Just make sure that you do it in your own time.
The world changes when you finally disclose, but it has been my experience that it really only changes for the better.
You will know when the time is right.
Until then, know that my thoughts are with you. I know how difficult it is to be in your position. You are very brave.