I’m 22 years old. The first time i was molested I was six years old. Over the years I was molested several more times by different people. Almost as if people could see an invisible target on my back that meant I was easy prey. Each time I vowed that that was the last time. Each time I thought I got smarter, that I got braver, that I got stronger.
In December I was assaulted again, and after all the practice I’ve had in this area, I never saw it coming. This guy had been my friend earnestly for 4 years. But we’ve known each other since we were born. Our fathers grew up together and they’re like brothers. So we always were treated as if he and I were cousins. Since we were “like” cousins I felt it was ok to relax with him though because I figured nothing would happen. So I would always go over to his grandma’s house and kick it with him and just chill. He was the first person that I told fully of my abuse. Before this I was too ashamed, embarrassed and/or scared. He always protected me and encouraged me and loved me. I trusted him completely. Fast forwarding until December, I went to his grandma’s house to hang out with him and everything was usual but the weather outside was bad so I stayed overnight at his grandma’s place. We were talking, laughing, watching movies. During our talks he kept saying he was having a hard time and then he came over and held my hand. And I let him because it seemed innocent, and it seemed ok. And then he asked for a hug and I gave him one and I patted his back and let him know it would be ok. And then It went left real quickly. At first It was like I wasn’t recognizing the danger of the situation. I thought I could still reason with hin. And then I don’t know I was like in some trance where I was very present but my brain kept saying but its him so don’t get him in trouble, don’t scare him, just be calm. Finally it stopped. We had been up all night. He looked at me in the lighting and saw my neck. It had turned dark red, and splotchy. He got scared then and tried to find ways to lighten bruising and redness on the neck. I laid on the couch curled up in a ball of covers with my heart beating so fast my body rocked with each beat. He sent me off home a couple hours later with 3 statements: 1.) Don’t tell my gf. She won’t understand. 2.) Here’s $30. buy some makeup to cover your neck. 3.) I’m sorry. We’ll talk later. Later we talked and he asked me “to erase out from the friend database” anx go back to being friends. And i felt so confused i said yes. And now i feel guilty for remembering.
I think there’s something do wrong with me that abuse is starting to seem normal. I don’t know what to say or how to react.
I dont know what to think. My brain is playing tricks on me. I feel maybe I wasn’t clear enough that I wanted to stop, but I remember so clearly saying no. I feel strongly about it one minute then nothing at all the next. Maybe I can’t feel in that area anymore. I feel like maybe my brain broke.
Survivor – a very important thing you need to do right now is to find a professional to talk to, a therapist or counselor. Please do this right away. A known phenomenon of assaults and crimes is that the same person can be a target more than once. A counselor can explain it better and more professionally. But it has to do with your eye contact, demeanor, tone of voice and countenance – a counselor can help you work thru it to not become a target. I have been thru this myself so I know and it’s a lifelong process to learn how to stand up for yourself. You did everything right! You are not at fault. You said no! The criminal is telling you not to tell his girlfriend, “erase” his crime? He obviously is not stupid, he knows what he did is wrong. YOU are not wrong he is and you are not responsible for his “hurt feelings”. A friend does not make your neck bruised and red. Do not hold this in, talk to someone professional. And there is nothing wrong with you, you are good hearted and a good person and abuse is not normal, you do not deserve it. You have many people here sending love and good thoughts – please write again if you feel like it !
You are not broken. Please try to find a good therapist and stick it out. When a child is molested, it interupts the healthy development and changes everything. wW become very confused when it comes to love and intimacy. it becomes self destructive. Don’t wait, do it now. You deserve to have healthy love in your life.
Thank you so much for posting this. There’s nothing wrong with you I promise. When something happens to you when you’re young (especially more than once) and your brain is still forming, of course it seems normal. As for “not seeing it coming” in December… I don’t see how you could have. You can’t spend your life expecting everyone to assault you or you’d never be calm or safe. What he did IS HIS FAULT!!!! It has nothing to do with your tone of voice or eye contact or hugging him or holding his hand. There is nothing that gives him consent to go any further than that. There’s no such thing as not being clear enough. It’s really easy for your brain to play those kinds of tricks on you because if you had done something wrong (which you didn’t), you could fix it. But when someone else is at fault there’s nothing you could have done and in some ways that’s even harder than it being your fault. I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist and help you work through what you’re feeling. You don’t need to get braver or stronger – you are already brave and strong but you can heal from what happened to you. It’s not easy and it takes time and work but I know you can do it and I know you deserve it. Sending you lots of love, Alexis