Bad Programming

I don’t know if any of you other survivors have come to a situation that has forced you to just stand back, and stare at that dark private part of your life. Where you ponder exactly when you veered off the road that would have kept you ‘normal’. I’ve had quite a few of those in the prior year. And they made me really question where exactly did I loose my way when it comes to boundaries, and this dreadful place where my lack boundaries would reek havoc in my private life with the relationships I have had.

During a normal scuffle with my sister, I was called some really hurtful names.. Stupid, Lazy.. a bitch. Which had me re-evaluating my relationships with family.. I joined a support group for people who are surviving dysfunctional family structures. I never thought it would get me into a therapists office. Had I known I probably wouldn’t have gone that direction, I would have gone in direction of something less logical, and a bit more of an old stand of self medicating that comes with the traditional few glasses of wine that had till then been using to deal with my sorrow and frustration.

Well during those few on-line gripe sessions I found out that a person who facilitated our little on-line gripe-feast was a licensed therapist whom practiced in the same city I lived. She offered to just get some Starbucks take it to library down about ten minutes away and just talk about life.

For someone like a chance to have someone who will just listen to me is a rare event.. I’m normally the listener of other peoples problems.. So naturally I jumped. I didn’t’ think that talking with someone would open up the deeply scared areas of my life.

We just talked about family but she noted that I have some blatant self-esteem issues I’m for one overly apologetic I which makes me easy picking for abusers.. She asked more about my history of men.. And I gave her the rundown play by play of each and every loser I’ve had a relationship with. I noticed at once I have a tendency to gravitate to shallow self absorbed men and quickly when I can’t keep up with the standards they put before me the relationship which I had clung to finally ends in one of two ways. The guy turns get abusive, or they will eventually cheat. Hearing my own words I didn’t realize I was as messed up about my self worth as I am.. I didn’t have any expectations of those men. I’m not lying about this or exaggerating my last boyfriend was addicted to meth and sold my babies car seat to get a high.

She than asked me about my relationship with my father. I’m like I had a great relationship with my dad.. Upon some prying I found out it wasn’t ideal I have a older sister whom is more like my dad I had grieved the fact that they were closer. Which I later found out is my initial taste of rejection I had no idea something so innocent as not being the favored child would be a ding to myself esteem. Or it would impact me to face the rape and incest and not comprehend them for what they were.. Times in my life when I would have sex with someone and not wanting too.. For whatever reason she didn’t pry further but insisted we do the same a week later Starbucks and chat.

We met a week later and she pried again.. She asked about my first boyfriend, and then asked the million dollar question about my first experience with sex. I was first touched as a child when I so young that I don’t know who it was I was like five or younger at the time and I can’t remember the details of who I think it was my grandfather though I remember laying next to my sister in a bed because we were sleeping over night. I remember them telling me I was wet and being embarrassed because I thought I pee’d the bed but my night gown was dry and my panties were too. I didn’t argue when whoever it was lifted my gown, and pulled off my panties. I didn’t complain when they touched my privates and I didn’t complain when it hurt when they stuck a finger inside of me.Why are you doing this?

I was touched l grew up excusing other people for invading my personal boundaries. Middle school boy touching my breast by accident excused the touch because they didn’t meant too, that transferred to ignoring it when it was on purpose. And finally stop playing basketball in gym because it often happened, and it made me feel awkward.

I however was not raped till I was 18 by this time I was fresh from high school and had not much experience with boys. I like many other late bloomers loved attention and verbal praise from the opposite sex I made me feel good about myself like regardless of what I thought at least others thought I was pretty.

I didn’t think beyond the luxury of being pretty I didn’t think there was harm in accepting drinks or that there would be obligations men would put on me for accepting their kind words and their generosity. I was very naive thinking kindness was just kindness in Denver’s Night clubs.

I didn’t know different till one night a bouncer offered to walk me to my car after I and a friend of mine had stayed past last call. I thought it was nice I thought he was just being nice and making sure I got to my car safely. I waved my friend on telling I’ll be okay.

It started out okay. He asked me all those things I ask my friends. You okay to drive. Did you drink anything? How far do you got to go. We had that NORMAL nothing creepy conversation.

He then told me he thought I was pretty, and that red hair is his favorite all those things that make girls like me blush while feeding my ego… He then told me he let me go in without paying the cover because he liked me. He asked if he could kiss me.

I worried if I’d hurt his feelings If I said no.. I quilted myself into saying sure.. I’m agreed to let him kiss me, but I didn’t agree to him touching my breast or reaching under my skirt. I worried about upsetting him if I told him I didn’t want him like that. I didn’t think I was playing against a clock when there was a time when you couldn’t tell someone to stop. He told me he wanted to have sex with me. (in a more crude manner that made me feel dirty) I told him I needed to go home to get in before my parents curfew or I’d be grounded. He didn’t ask me anymore he pushed me face down on the hood of my car, and he raped me. I don’t know if he just lacked experience, or if he anally violated me too on purpose but that night I didn’t just loose my virginity,but I also experienced anal intercourse, both hurt. However the only time I tried to defend myself was when I told him it hurt. That what he was doing hurt, and his response was that he knew I liked it. Which would have confused me if I wasn’t in shocked and in pain. My initial reaction to my rape was shock, I only cried because my body hurt.

I remember crying on the way home, and being that my parents would be ticked cause I was Late for curfew. So when I got home to find my parents still asleep I thought I lucked out so my initial plan was to just keep it to myself.. But I was in a lot of pain. I missed work the next day but went to see my doctor whom was concerned the moment he looked down there. I was informed I had some concerning tearing of not just my vagina but also my rectum. He asked me if I needed to report anything. I don’t know if I was delusional or what but to me at that time Rape was something that happened in those after school specials that stared Tori Spelling. The victim of Rape tells the person who raping them Nooo the whole time, the Victim of Rape fights, the victim of Rape didn’t let that person walk her to her car, and buy her drinks, Victim didn’t make out with the rapists for about a half an hour prior to the rape. To me I wasn’t a rape victim I was a stupid girl who got what was coming to her for being stupid and letting it happen.

I vowed to myself I would be more careful and not put myself in that situation anymore. Well I hate to admit it I’ve broke that promise more times I can count. I’ve done it with strangers whom were not as violent as that first experience, but I’ve allowed myself to be pressured into having sex with men I don’t want to have sex with. In all honesty my dating life is filled with men whom I’ve slept with not wanting too. I’ve been married to a man who abused me verbally and physically and still expected sex, and regardless of my vow to grow a spine and say no continued to lay there and allow it. I didn’t think that it would impact me they way it did. I didn’t realize that an initial first touch could damage me to the point that for a betterment of my life rationalize having sex against my will, and still it has happened. Realizing that you are that messed up is really a shameful moment but in my case it did bring me some clarity. I’m now for the first time in my life not swinging from relationship to relationship. I have not had a guy in my life for a year. I have been for the first time in my life sex pressure free by CHOICE. I’m currently in counseling with an associate of my friend who specializes in helping people who are victims of sex abuse. I am making small steps in repairing my inner self so the outside self can enjoy life a bit more. I’m a single mother who outside the boy I’m raising only companions are three rats, I have friends, and a life that I didn’t think was possible without a man. I can honestly say now that there is light at the end of the tunnel of being locked up in my own head. I think eventually when I find healing I will be ready for a relationship. I just I hope when I’m ready to finally be intimate I’m not to old for sex to finally be able to enjoy it.