Bartender Lies

I was 21, a young ballet dancer studying in NYC. My roommate and I went to visit the bar of the restaurant I was a hostess. The bartenders were always revered, put on a pedestal. I thought the attention from him was good, a positive thing. How wrong I was. My roommate was tired, she went home. I thought because I worked there, I would be safe,… wrong again. I was drinking, for a long time I took the blame for what happened upon myself. As the restaurant closed, he said we should go to the pub next door. Once we were there things changed. Today, I search my brain and cannot remember his name, I can’t remember. The bar became like an old-fashioned movie reel, I was in an out of consciousness. Days later I swore he has put something in my drink. Later, I somehow ended up in a hotel near my apartment, somewhere near Lexington near the 86th block. I remember him on top of me on the bathroom floor, I don’t remember anything else. I woke up in the morning, disoriented , sick, in shock, scared. I rushed for my clothes, my jeans were ripped from the crotch seam. I put on the ripped exposed clothing. He came toward me, I told him to get away from me, to get away. I ran out of the hotel, in ripped clothing. I walked like that for 6 to 7 blocks. I got home, my roommate was sleeping. I crawled in the bed, unable to speak staring out the window. She woke and knew something was wrong. I said, and this I remember…i think I was raped. She took me to the hospital to file the report and be subjected to the rape kit. The police interviewed the man, he said it was all consensual. They asked if i wanted to press charges. I was scared, confused, I felt responsible for what happened because I put myself there, i was drinking. So, what did i do after? I stuffed, and suppressed, and pretended like I was still the girl I was before, but i was not, and never would be again. I never talk about the event, as if it never happened. Your film gave me hope, gives me hope, to be brave, and learn how to live and heal without ignoring how life changed that day.

With love,

Katie, age 40