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I was raped when I was 16 and again when I was 17 but now I am in my 20s. When I was 16 I started looking for companion ship online. I was always a socially anxious person so it was a way, for me, to meet new people. I came across this guy I thought he was very cute. So we talked and talked. And he asked me out. Of course I said yes. But I was still anxious like I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. That something was wrong and I ignored it. He came and picked me up. He earlier had said we’d go to his place and watch a movie hang out and see where it lead. But that didn’t happened. He lied. He took me to the middle of the desert. He told me to get in the backseat. We made out. And at first I thought I wanted it but I changed my mind I told him to stop. Over and over. I was crying. I knew that if I had tried to get out and get away he could have killed me. No one was around . I did what I was told. I didn’t want to die. After he was done he took me home. I didn’t look at him the entire time.

For days I had texted him why. Why did he do that to me. He never gave a reason why. I didn’t press charges. He wore a condom. No DNA. Not anything. It would have been a case of he said she said. I thought they would have used that I changed my mind before against me in trial. Trial would have been too traumatic for me. So I lied to everyone around me for the longest time saying I never was raped and pretended that it never happened.

When I was 17, I was sodomized by my then boyfriend. I had moved hoping it would be a fresh start. He was abusive. He was so nasty and horrible to me. The last time I saw him we were intimate. That was consensual. But then he says he wants to try…anal. I had told him I was uncomfortable with that and I didn’t want to. He didn’t take no for an answer. He forced me on my back and sodomized me. I remember after that he had said that if I ever got pregnant and it was a girl he’d tell her she was a bitch and a whore just like me.

I didn’t tell my parents till I was 19. I was do sick of them thinking I was okay. That somehow I’d wake up and I wouldn’t have agoraphobia anymore. So I just blurted out. I still haven’t told her or my father the details and I don’t think I ever will. My dad was more comforting me then my mother. He held me and I cried the next day. But the night I told my mother she asked me why I was alone. I expected her to understand because she was date raped. But she did but didn’t know how to handle it. The same thing happening to her daughter.

My ex after years ended up texting me and apologizing for everything. Somehow I think I have forgave him. I am not a religious person. But I forgave him. Not for him but for myself to move on.

Now for my first rape this is the first time I gave details. I am sick of that monster having control over me isolating me years after. I’m finally ready to move on, heal, and accept that I’m not just a victim but a survivor.


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