I was born in Lisbon, Portugal and I have been sexually abused from my stepfather with the knowledge and the very concrete “look away” of my mother. There were also 2 other victims in the family and 2 friends of mine. This are the cases I know – people just started to speak now about it, when the last case was known. When I come out with my story, I had the feeling that my family – not all, but many – considered it an “exaggeration” because I was always seen as a sensitive, always crying child.
I am a survivor, I am strong and I manage to build up a good live. I am married and have two wonderful boys.
But the scars and the rage did not go away. All my tries to get along with my mother failed. She doesn’t accept any guilt, she never said ,she is sorry for me – on the contrary, she again and again tried to convince me to contact the aggressor again. The fact that she refuses to dialogue with me about it, makes ill. 9 Years ago when my girlfriend told me, that she also have been abused from this guy and my mother was sitting in the same car(!) I cut the relations with my mother and decided that she is “dead”.
But even if she really dies, I still have this rage feeling and this wish to understand, why she hates her daughters so much that she “offers” them to this sexual predator?
In your film and your song, you describe Mothers as a possible help for girls in the same situation. Mothers are not always loving ones… as you see! I am now 57 , I dont really think I can solve this struggle . In any case the woman is now in her late 80s and hiding behind a beginning insanity… how convenient…:)
— Survivor, age 57
Dear survivor – thank you so much for posting here. You are absolutely right – everyone has different experiences, including different family structures and levels of support. When your mother doesn’t support you the way you expect it can be a very difficult inner struggle and I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. Of course you are angry – that’s completely valid. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about this. At least for me it has helped me make peace with my (lack of) relationship with my mother and helped me to start to see that even though you haven’t gotten the support you needed or wanted or should have had from her, you still deserve to get it from others. People have told me that “hurt people hurt people” and I often wonder what happened to my mother that she would not be open and supportive to me.
But I’ll probably never know and – like I said – every case is different. To be clear, nothing that happened to her excuses her behavior; I’ve just found it helpful in understanding. You are not alone and thank you so much for you post. Sending you lots of love, Alexis
Thanks for your support! 🙂
I did a Therapie… if not, I think I would already be death… But the pain and the wish to know why? Why does she not loves and protect her children? Why does she not have empathy at all – for the suffering and the fear of a child…?
The agressor ist guilty, he is a pig, a small and weak person without strengh to get along with a grown-up relationsship, having to use is power over a child to get to a – in his eyes – satisfying sexuality. Pittifully!
She… I dont understand…