A year ago, I heard the statistic for rape on college campus. I now am a sexual violence advocate at a local nonprofit. But when I was 19, I was invited to a friends party. He was my ex boyfriends best friend. We drank, danced and partied. Nothing was out of the ordinary. I was with my roommate but she passed out in a different room. His other friend was passed out on the couch next to me.
I woke up to this “friend” ripping my tights and penetrating me. His roommate came out of his room to grab a glass of water. He put his hand over my mouth and told me to be quiet. I did as I was told because I was frozen and scared. Completely unable to move.
I woke up the next morning feeling so horrified with myself for drinking myself to the point where I couldn’t fight back. I drove back to my house with my roommate terrified to tell her what had just happened. To this day she doesn’t know. I went and bought plan B while she took a nap and then took the longest shower of my life. Scrubbing myself to the point of hurting my skin.
I didn’t know there was resources. I didn’t know there was people out there to help me or that rape kits were even an option. Which is why I am now working in the field that I do. I sought out therapy in August and have still not been able to read the letter I wrote to my rapist. But tomorrow is the day I face the darkest part of my past.
If you’re a survivor. Know that I believe you and stand with you.
— Emily, age 23
Dear Emily – thank you so much for sharing your story here. I think it’s so important to shine light on the available resources that exist. I hope you know that what happened to you was NOT your fault. It doesn’t matter that you were drinking; he had no right to do what he did. I suspect you also know that your reaction to what happened is similar to that of so many and I am so grateful that you are working to help others and change the reality of things right now. Therapy was a great decision and I hope you are feeling stronger and more healed – if slowly and not in a linear fashion. I hope you are able to read the letter you wrote to your rapist when the time is right and that it is cathartic for you and brings you peace and healing. Thank you so much for the work that you are doing – both for yourself and others. Sending you lots of love, Alexis
Dear Emily- You are such a HERO! Dedicating yourself to other survivors. I think you know you were NOT at FAULT, these guys that assaulted you were not stupid, they knew what they were doing. You did not deserve it at ALL. Thank you for believing in survivors, Thank you for being a role model, and Thank you for being a Hero!