A quick background on me: I’m an asian-american, grew up in a religious home, and grew up in a community that consisted of mostly caucasians and latinos.
My story happened in 2011, I was 17, a senior in high school, and it was the day UCLA sent out their acceptance/rejection letters.
My friend (also asian-american) sent me a facebook message telling me how bummed he was about getting rejected (I also did too) so he asked if I wanted to go hang out at a shopping center to get our minds off of our rejections. I agreed to it because it just seemed like something friends would do. Soon enough, he drove to my house and picked me up in his red truck, and the first thing he said to me when i got in the car was, “you look really nice,” which was strange because he never said anything like that before. He started driving, but it wasn’t the way to the center, and I asked him where we were going, and he said “you’ll see.” It was a narrow road that led to a dark parking area behind a retirement center. Once he parked the car, he all of sudden he forced his mouth onto mine. I told him to stop, but he said “you know you want this.” He continued to force himself on me, kissing my neck. He tried to take off my top, but I said no, p ulling down my sweater. He starts touching me below the waist, putting his hands down my pants, took out his hands and continued to touch me in that area over my clothes. I told him to stop and he stopped, looked and me, and started undoing his belt and said “let’s just do this already.” From that point on, I raised my voice and he did stop. He was angry though, saying that “all the other girls just gave in.” It horrified me to hear him say that he does this to other girls. He ends up driving me home and dropping me off.
I quickly ran upstairs to my room and as I looked in the mirror and i saw marks on my necks, hickeys, from him. I called one of my friends that night, but I don’t really remember what I said to her. I kept this on the down low, telling my close friends, but they never talked to me about it, or even understood the situation. The next day at school, I avoided going through the back of the school where he usually parks his car, avoided seeing him, and it was really hard for me to be touched.
Sometimes I think I’m overreacting because it’s not like I was raped. My story isn’t that important. Sometimes guilt would come in and I would say to myself that it was my fault for not doing anything in the car, that maybe i came across like someone who wanted to be engaged in that kind of stuff. Sometimes I think it wasn’t a big deal and I avoid thinking about it because it “wasn’t that bad” and it “happens in 1 in 4 girls.” Since I never got the validation from my friends that it was an issue that I should’ve reported, and after telling someone older in college about it, she didn’t validate my situation either, brushing it off since I wasn’t raped. I’m just not sure what to think about this situation, and honestly, the assault seems really hazy now and I don’t really remember too much other than some glimpses of images.
I’m 21 now, struggling with depression (stemming from an abusive relationship in high school, the sexual assault, and poor self-image/self-worth). I….I…don’t know how I should respond to this. Is this really considered a trauma for me?
Trauma comes in many forms and it is important that we not compare experiences. Sexual assault is a very serious crime and even though many people belief that “it isn’t rape”, the long lasting effects can be very much the same. Your experience highlights the importance of how people react to first disclosures. What happened to you is not okay. Someone violated your body without your consent and that is never acceptable to do. If it felt like a trauma to you, it was a trauma and should be respected as such.
I really appreciate that you shared your story here and I hope that you are able to find the closure you need to heal. Be kind to yourself and walk in your own truth. People might not believe you and they might brush off your experience, but that says more about them than it does about you. Your experience was very real and traumatic for you and there is nothing untrue about that.
Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, it is absolutely still a trauma. I was raped as a teenager. Like a lot of survivors, the most traumatic part of that experience was the way other people responded to it-by not validating. It was the years of dealing with this pain in silence that really hurt me and isolated me from everyone else- having to keep the secret and hold the pain with a smile was probably more traumatic than the event itself.This is exactly what happened to you. Don’t discount your experience just because you weren’t raped. This is something that is really common too-for me I tell myself it doesn’t really count as trauma because I was drunk, if you read other posts lots of other women talk about the reasons they have made up to explain why their trauma doesn’t count-even if they were raped. You experienced a violent sexual assault where your power was taken away from you. That is traumatic and absolutely not ok. You deserve some support through this. Pretty much every city/town has a specialist rape crisis center who can be good (even in addition to a good psych for the depression). You deserve to find some people who will validate and treat your trauma with the seriousness it deserves. The fact that people haven’t done that so far only reflects the lack of awareness and fear to talk openly about this issue in our culture-it is not because there is some part of your story that is not serious. My heart goes out to you…stay strong.
For a long time I struggled with the same self doubt that you seem to be having trouble with. My senior year of high school I accepted a ride home from a game to a friend’s house from a boy who I didn’t know. He was an alumni and a popular football player, about 3 times my weight.. He drove around for half an hour groping me as I begged him to stop, and when he finally stopped his car and I ran out he pushed me to the ground and attempted to rape me right in my friend’s front yard. My friend, too, brushed it off as nothing even though I had stumbled into her room crying. She held me close and chuckled, as if I was silly and should be less upset because I was able to run away. After that I felt so out of control and sexual assault just felt so inevitable for me.. Not two months later I was raped a boy I had just started dating. I wish more than anything that I’d have had a more supportive group of friends, who would have assured me that what that first boy had done was wrong. Maybe then I would have realized that sexual abuse is NOT inevitable. It is NOT a normal part of a relationship. You and I and too many other girls know how it feels to have our experiences minimized. So often society will allow you to believe that only the most violent of attacks are worth pursuing justice for, or that you have no right to feel violated if the attack wasn’t completed.
If you hadn’t lifted your voice against that boy, from his words to you, it sounds as if he intended to do even greater harm.. You are so brave. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are any less of a survivor.