Endless Shame

I was leaving in Roma, Italy. I had a daughter, she was 2 years old. Her father, my husband and I were separated. He left often for the US and left us. I thought I could have ended it. I was a working model, 27 years old with a child. I met this guy, he followed me in the street one day. It should have been a red flag then! We stated dating, after 1 month I decided to end the relationship. I called him and he said ok but I want to invite you to a party as friends. My ex-husband was in town and wanted to take our daughter so I said yes.
At that party, he saw me giving my phone number to a guy I was talking to, he got really jealous.

We decided to leave the party and He took a different road than taking me to my house. I started to panic and He said that me giving my number to a guy in front of everyone made him feel ashamed to be with me, I guess it affected his man ego! I said I had no intention of dating this other guy, who by the way was much older than me, but I just though he was interesting. He said you behave like a whore, I am gonna treat you like one!

I felt paralyzed and very stupid. He locked the car. I couldn’t escape. I thought I am just gonna do what he says, go to his house reason him and he’ll let me go. When we got out of the car, he took my handbag. I thought to escape, but it was in the middle of the night and I had no keys, no money, because everything was in that bag. There was no cell phone then.

At his apartment, I was very calm. He made me sit down on the sofa. He was sitting across from me, and told me I was misbehaving! I pretend to go for the phone so I could run through the door, running behind me. He grabbed me and pushed me through the kitchen door on the floor. There I got really scared and screamed. He punched me in the face. I got really calm, so I said “ok, what do you what to do with me, let’s get over with it!” He locked me in his bedroom and raped me. What really confused me is that I sexualized the raped like I wasn’t a victim. I guess it’s a defense mechanism. I kept me all night, the morning after he unlocked the door. I went to the bathroom and saw my face. My mouth was all swollen and bruised!

He took me home, my ex-husband and our daughter come back. He was shocked and we went to the police. I made my deposition, but I think the guy wasn’t arrested! It happened 20 years ago now, and watching your film made me realized that I stuffed this inside me. I felt ashamed and when I called my mother, I guess she didn’t know how to support me, instead she shamed me even more by saying, “At least it never happened to me!”

I live in Los Angeles now, my daughter was 13 years old when she has a fatal accident and passed away in July 2005. I am an actress but feel that I have so much PTSD disorder still. I was in therapy for 5 years. I seem to not being able to move on.