f*ck you

You might not remember…I barely do. I was insecure then. I drank a lot…maybe more than I should have. But I didn’t think it would happen to me. I remember being at a party. The next thing I know I was in your bed. You were on top of me. I told you I was a virgin that I didn’t want to have sex. I don’t know if we did. I remember how you smelled. I remember not wanting it. I don’t know what we did. I tried to forget. But I kept seeing you on campus. It came back to me slowly- who you were. But eventually I remembered. I remembered waking up from a blackout with you on top of me. I don’t know how I got home after. I don’t know what you did to me when I was in your room, your bed.
The next day my roommates told me I couldn’t stand up when I got home. I spent the night vomiting in the bathroom- I kept doing so for two days. My pants were ripped from the small holes in the knee all the way up to my upper thigh. Was this an accident or did you do that? They told me I seemed upset. I don’t know what you did to me. Are you the one I lost my virginity to? I don’t know what you did to me.
You studied abroad with my best friend. You became one of her friends. She took me to parties at your apartment and didn’t understand when I had to leave right away. Why I would shut down. You came back as an alumni to my own home. I couldn’t even speak. You looked right through me like you had no idea who I was. You made jokes with my friends, in my home. You laughed. But I remember. The bits and pieces. I didn’t say yes. I might not have said no. But I was falling down drunk- that should have been enough to know I wasn’t saying yes. I couldn’t say yes.
I remember you said you would walk me back to my campus. I was new to the campus. I said yes, maybe- I was drunk. But you- you are the one who took advantage of me. You are the one who brought me to your bed. You were the one who was on top of me when I woke up. I think I was in your “care” for over an hour. What happened in that time?
I don’t know what you did to me and 5 years later I still remember what it felt like to wake up with you on top of me. To know you had kissed me, felt my body, and who knows what else. To know that you might have took something from me. I still think about you- about that night. And I wonder if you do too? If you know what you did was wrong? If you remember me? If you know who I am? If you raped me?
I don’t know if you raped me but I know that you assaulted me. If you did-you took my virginity. Do you know that? Do you remember?
I know that you felt my body when I couldn’t move. I think you put your fingers inside me. I know that they ran all over it. I remember your tongue in my mouth. Was mine in yours?
I couldn’t remember your name, what you even looked like until months later. One day I saw you in the dining hall and it came flooding back. Your face, your touch, your smell, the feel of your body pressed against mine.
You might not remember my name now, but I know yours. You might have raped me, you might have “just” assaulted me. But what you did was wrong. Whether you remember my name, my face, or know that I was vomiting for two days straight afterwards or that I was so drunk I supposedly peed my own pants later that night.
Did you know that it was my second week at school? That I was blackout drunk? That I would maybe never remember you? Is that why you brought me to your dorm? To your bed? Because you thought I would never remember?…Well you were right. I barely remember.
Sucks for you- I remember your face. The feel of your body pressing against mine. The smell of alcohol on your breath.
But I can’t do anything about it-so in that sense-congrats- you picked someone to try to fuck who wouldn’t remember what happened. What you did to her.
Too bad I do remember. I told you I was a virgin. That I didn’t want to have sex. So why do I remember pulling my jeans back on? Its vague, but I remember pulling them up. Why were they off to start with? Why did you take my pants off? Are you the one that ripped them open by the seams? I have a vague memory of ripping them myself but why would I rip them up to expose my underwear? Maybe it was an accident. But maybe you did that. Did you literally rip my clothes off me?
Why did I leave with you? Did you say you were going back to our campus? Did you tell me you would take me home and brought me to your bed? Did I say I wanted to go home with you? Did I say I needed help getting home? Did you identify me as the weakest/ drunkest girl out? Why did this happen? What happened? I am ready to start asking my friends…and you may not like that. They may ask you hard questions. And I’m not sorry. I don’t apologize for you needing to explain that night-if you even can.
A friend of a friend told me we had hooked up. I never told them. That means you did. That means you remember. So what else? What else do you remember from that night? What did “we”- you do to me? Did you stop when I said no?

I still remember. Its 2018, Im almost 24 and I still remember. The feel of your body has faded in lieu of my girlfriend. But still you plague me. Its been six years and I remember your face. I remember you on my balcony at school- wanting to share a joint with our mutual friends. If my memory serves, I wouldn’t hit it after you, but I still smoked to try to forget. I think I left to throw up.
Im 23 now, I was 18 then. Its been almost 6 years, yet I remember you. Do you remember me? What you said to me that night? What you did to me that night?
I remember seeing you in the dining hall, years later and remembering- did you see my face? Do you know what you did to me? I don’t know if you raped me but I know you pretended not to know me. Why? If you thought it was mutual, wouldn’t you acknowledge me? Why? What did you do?
Im 23 now, and I still think about you. I can see your face and in my darkest moments feel your body pressed against mine. I remember feeling sick. Id like to think you were that drunk, but you were in control. You made a choice to acquaint yourself with my body. I did not agree.
Id like to think you regret it, but I don’t think you do. You looked right through me, in my own home. You re-introduced yourself to me and I almost threw up. I went in my room and had a panic attack, came back out to the balcony, and took a hit.
Do you remember me? I remember you. I remember the feeling of discomfort, your body pressing against mine, on top of me….i couldn’t breathe. What happened after? I told you I was a virgin, that I didn’t want to, did you rape me?
I remember the feel of my jeans, getting wet- I peed. Was I that drunk? Or was I trying to stop you? I honestly don’t know. If I was trying to stop you, did it work? Because I still remember pulling my pants up and arriving at home. Nothing in-between. Why were my pants off to begin with?
What did you do? I still think of you. Do you think of me? Or was a just another girl, for you to put on your tally, did you think I would remember? I don’t think you did….it took me two years to identify you.
You, motherfuker from hell, are lucky as shit I wasn’t that confident at 18. Because 5 years later, I think of you. And I know you don’t think of me. You think you did nothing wrong, you came into my home- my safe space- and reintroduced yourself to me. Believe me, I remember you.
So FUCK YOU. I am not a warm body for you to get off on. I am not here for your gratification. I am not here to be forgotten. I am not here to make my peace with you. I am here for me, and I am here saying that although you didn’t mean to destroy me (I hope), you did.
So here I am, 5 years later. And I’ve still told my partner about you. I l know you’ve forgotten me, because to you- I was a new girl on campus, young and drunk. From the little I remember of that night, I trusted you to bring me home. You brought me to your home instead.
When I try, I can still smell your sheets, your pre-cum, your sweat. I try not to. We were in your bed, was that the same room I lived in later on? My next memory is my roommates laughing, telling me I got too drunk, I disappeared. I asked for how long- they told me 1-3 hours. I was with you then. What took 1-3 hours. Because I can only remember about 5 minutes. What the fuck happened?