I was not much of a party girl my freshman year of college. My friends heard of a party off campus and said they would not take no for an answer. We got dressed and even bought our own alcohol as m best friend was worried that the drinks may get spiked with something else. We arrived early and hung out with the host who were all football players at the school. More students arrived, music was being played, students dancing and drinking. It started to get late, and one of my friends left me and another girl stranded. Two of the host offered to give us a lift.
I felt so dizzy and could barely walk. One of the “gentlemen” carried me into my room, got me a glass of water, and then proceeded to change my clothes so that I would be comfortable. I felt numb. Could not even move my mouth or limbs. When I tried to talk, he laughed and said,”Don’t bother trying to say “no”, you probably won’t remember this anyway.”
I laid there, unable to move. I passed out during the rape and woke up with him still inside me. Finally I screamed as loud as I could, “STOP.” By then he had already finished. He got off of me, laughed, and left. He left the condom he used in the trash by my desk.
I woke up the next morning still naked. I showered got dressed and called the police station. They told me all campus incidences have to be reported on campus and not with the police. I went to campus security and told them what happened. One officer seemed genuinely concerned, but when he brought his boss in to tell him about my “complaint,” the boss sat next to me and said, “Now, do you really want to file a complaint with someone that is graduating in a month?”
I sat there speechless, and nodded “no.” Maybe if I would have said “yes” things would have been different.
That was the longest month. I would see him on campus and he would look at me and laugh the same way he laughed that night. Every time someone smelled like him I would have the urge to vomit. He kept requesting me as a friend on social media. I sent him a message once that said, “I remember what you did to me and the thought of you and I as friends makes me ill.”
Your story reminds me that we have a very long way to go to combat the inappropriate ways that survivors are treated when they come forward with a report. Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it will help readers to know that they are not alone. You are very brave.
Thank you for your comment. The only thing I do regret is not following through. I just hope someone else hasn’t suffered for me staying quiet.
The only reason someone else would have suffered is if he harmed them. You have no responsibility for his behavior, though I can certainly understand why you would feel that way. Sometimes staying quiet is the only thing that helps us get through. My hope is that in time survivors will not fear speaking out. I hope that in time all law enforcement officers know better than to speak to survivors the way the officer spoke to you.
I wish you the best in the new year.
Hi, I’m so sorry for what happened to you. Although I have never been raped, I have been verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by other men in college. I’m majoring in Gender and Women’s Studies and I see this growing phenomenon that men often think that this kind of behavior is “normal” even though it truly is abusive. The men that abused me never apologized, just like in your story, and they continue to believe that I’m an inferior person and treat me as if I’m so inferior that I don’t deserve even regular human decency. I came on this site because I have a hard time making friends and I hoped I could meet people who would understand what it’s like to be abused in different ways. I admit that I didn’t report what was happening to me, because I was scared, ashamed, and worried that people wouldn’t believe me or not do anything even if they did believe me. It sounds like the officer that you reported it to was minimizing your experience, and I’m so sorry for that. Often men will cover for other men, I see that a lot. I’m planning to write a book to tell the truth about what these men did to me, and my parents always worry that I will get sued for it. But they don’t understand. I want to get the word out so that other people are not abused the way I was abused by these groups of men. And they deny it now, they try to hide it because I think they’re realizing now that they did something wrong and I could ruin their lives by telling the world what really happened. When I saw the documentary, I decided that I should write their real names in my book, because they don’t deserve to be protected from public scrutiny. Linor taught me that. Even though I’ve never met her.
Thank you for your kind words. For awhile I felt like no one understood me, not even my sisters. Meeting women like yourself makes me feel a small victory in knowing that others are putting this boys on blast.