I just don’t know how to start.
It feels weird and I am ashamed, I feel dirty and I don’t have any self-esteem left.
I am having a great boyfriend. We both are having a strong relationship and we are dating since five years and a half, I met him when I was 20.
We had up and downs, like every relationship does but my boyfriend was the first person I slept with. It was a new and great experience for me – I have been always very distrustful and I was scared of men who touched me. I could never enjoy intimate contact to other men but everything changed when I met my boyfriend.
I told him that I cannot enjoy sexual things because something, that I displaced, happened to me in the past.
He accepted it and waited until I was ready, he showed me that having consensual Sex wasn’t bad, he showed me that it doesn’t mean that it has to be violent.
We did a lot of sexual experiences, some day my boyfriend came up with the idea of having a threesome, Sex with another men. I agreed, without thinking of consequences.
When I started kissing this man, this stranger, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t listen to my body and continued. Then, when he started touching my private area, I felt even more uncomfortable, I was nervous, started sweating and couldn’t think clearly. I ignored my body the second time.
When this man started fingering me, when he penetrated me, I suddenly had a flashback and I felt like I was drugged. I couldn’t move, I froze. I saw pictures in my head, horrible pictures. I was bleeding.
I let the man doing, what he wanted to do, I let him finish. I think I even cried but said nothing at all because I felt so awkward. I didn’t listen to my body. It was my fault that it happened.
Since this evening the flashbacks are coming back again and I am hurting myself, punishing for not doing anything.
I cannot talk to my boyfriend about it. It would disappoint him.
And I feel that the dark is overwhelming me and I feel that I am alone.
Hello.
Why do you think it would disappoint him? If it was something you weren’t comfortable with, then you have a right to say so. What you like and don’t like matters. It’s one of the pillars of a relationship to make sure each person is okay with something. A romantic relationship is a partnership.
Tell him that the threesome didn’t work out, that you felt that this stranger brought back hurtful memories.
He’s at the very least a friend, no? And friends don’t let other friends get hurt–though you shouldn’t skip telling him that his idea didn’t work to spare his disappointment. Your going through something much worse right now. Sounds a lot like PTSD, the thing soldiers have coming home from battle. Which is a normal reaction, even if the ‘event’ had happened so long ago. You should talk to him about it, have him understand. Talk to friends as well.
For a mental cool-down I’d suggest watching something funny/enjoyable. Treat yourself, buy something nice/tasty, be with people you love. Exercising could help too, even if it’s just a short walk. Sunlight is known to help, too.
Just remember that you’re not going crazy. Breath. It’s going to be okay.
I know sometimes it feels like you have something to be ashamed of, but I promise you, the shame is not yours to carry. You did nothing wrong and the fact that you froze is a very normal and common response when something triggers you. Sometimes our bodies act in ways we don’t understand. Your body freezing was a way to protect you from what you were feeling emotionally. It is really easy for us to blame ourselves, but I can assure you, you did everything right. Your body did what it was supposed to do.
You are not defined by your experiences and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It might not feel like it now and it might not feel like it for a long time, but you are beautiful inside and out and you have so many gifts to give to the world. I promise you that healing is possible. You have to move through the darkness to reach the light, but you do not have to do it alone. There are great resources available for survivors and when you are ready you can reach out. I am not sure where you are, but in the United States, a great resource is RAINN.org.
You are very brave for reaching out to Brave Miss World and even though we are not there in person, there is an entire community of survivors here who stand with you. You are not alone. <3
Hey Alissa,
thanks so much for your answer and thanks for your understanding.
It is helpful to realise that there are many people who don’t blame me, who don’t blame me for being frozen. This moment was probably one of scariest moments in my life. It feels like my body froze because of my fear, the fear of getting hurt again and because the flashback of something what happened to me in the past.
I am still confused and scared but it feels good being here, reading your answer and that someone understands me.
I joined already the chat on RAINN.org even though it is a website for U.S. residents; I just felt I needed to talk to someone and it helped me, like bravemissworld.com helps me to understand what is going on with me and my body.
My country doesn’t offer a website like RAINN, but I already found some other resources here which can help me when I need someone to talk again.
I believe that healing is possible, too, even though I think I might have a long way to go.
I really appreciate Linor’s strength that made so many people speaking out.
And I appreciate your work which showed me that I am not alone.
God bless you,
with sunny wishes from sunny Europe.
C.