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Forever Changed

I’m 16, this happened to me when I was 14 and he was 15, I’m going to call him A.It was my freshman year. New school, new house, and new state.

It all started when my biology teacher moved everyone around. When I sat down at this desk, I saw there was a phone number on the desk. I didn’t think anybody actually payed attention to the numbers or whatever. So jokingly, I put my number on the desk. The next day at lunch I got a text from this random number. He said his name was A and we texted for the rest of the day. Obviously, he had the same biology class as me, but he had 3rd period and I had 4th. Everyday after 3rd he would wait for me out side of the classroom and we just talked and he would always hug me and kiss me before leaving. We met up in between every class we could. I really liked this kid.

We finally started dating in February. Everything was perfect, he was perfect! Our relationship was so much different from the relationship I was in before. He got me a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day, this was the first time somebody ever did something like this for me. As a couple, we got so many compliments. We hung out all the time, At his house and at my house, but mostly his. His parents would pick me up at 7 or 8 am on the weekends to go to his baseball games. I would spend all day, almost every weekend with him at his games and afterward go to his house and watch movies upstairs.

At one of his tournaments, his mom took a picture of us siting next to each other. Seeing the picture, at the time, I didn’t think anything of the size difference. I didn’t think it was a big deal… But I was wrong.

Every once in a while he would get pissy at me, for no reason. He would completely degrade me in every way he could. I thought I loved him, so every time he said he was sorry, I believed him, I believed everything he said. He broke up with me probably 5 or 6 times in the 3 months we dated. I took him back every time.

We had talked about having sex and “going to the next base” as he called it. Being 14, I wasn’t exactly sure what that meant. When I asked him, he said “touching and fingering and oral”. I was never really comfortable with the idea, I always got really nervous when it came to that kind of stuff. Most of the time that we hung out, it was at his house. We usually passed the baseball or watched movies upstairs while his parents were watching a movie down stairs. One day we were watching ‘In Time’ and we started making out and his hands started wandering. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. But his hand went down my body and started unbuttoning my shorts, then he put his hand down my pants. I told him I wasn’t ready. He respected that and went on like nothing happened.

After that, things got weird. He got weird. He kept asking me if I was ready yet. It was everyday! I started getting really annoyed so I told him off, which I would later regret. I didn’t talk to him after that for 2 or 3 days. He called me one night and apologized for being pushy and said he was okay with waiting until I was ready, and again I believed him. Things went back to normal after the phone call, until the 16th of May, 2012.

He text me during school and asked if I wanted to hang out at his house after school and stay for dinner. It was burrito night and apparently his dad made the best burritos! Anyway, I got a really bad feeling, but I told him I would ask. And I did and my mom said yes. The closer I got to his house, the stronger this feeling got. It was a feeling of disgust and fear, but I ignored it (worst mistake of my life). When I got to his house, his parents were there. I walked in, said hi to his parents and walked upstairs. We watched part 2 of the last Harry Potter movie.. (Thinking about it now just makes me sick, any Harry Potter movies actually). About half way through the movie, his mom came up and said that her and Lenny (his dad) would be back, they had to run to get some stuff for dinner. That’s when I got that feeling again… I didn’t know why, but I was about to find out.

For about 10 minutes, things were fine. He leaned over and started tickling me. I was super ticklish, so I ended up squirming onto my back. He stopped and just looked at me. Then we started making out. He started getting really aggressive. I asked him why he was being so aggressive and he answered with, “shut up bitch.” That’s when I knew something was going to happen. I told him to get off of me, but he wouldn’t listen. So I tried pushing him off of me but he grabbed my wrists and pinned me on the couch. He was 5’10, 180/215 lbs of muscle, I was 5’3, 95 lbs.

I fought, I fought so hard. I kicked him, punched him, screamed as loud as I could. But that only made his grip stronger. He told me “keep screaming, nobody’s gonna save you.” I kept fighting until I felt his fist come across my face. I blacked out.

When I woke up, he was taking off my clothes. At that point, I was apologizing and begging him to stop. I told him I wouldn’t tell anybody what happened if he let me go. He told me that I was getting what I deserved. I was screaming in pain and he just looked up at me and said, “You know you like it. Don’t act like this hasn’t happened before, you slut.” And kept going, this time a lot faster and more aggressive. He tried kissing me and when I wouldn’t kiss him back he hit me in the face again.

He started taking off his pants and that’s when I tried fighting to get out from under him. He hit me again and busted my lip. He grabbed the knife from his pants on the floor and told me that if I keep trying to stop him, he would either cut me or kill me. I started crying and he just laughed at me. He put his dick in my face and told me to blow him. I told him no, and he showed my the knife then forced himself in my mouth. It was the most disgusting thing ever! I was so humiliated!

Once he was satisfied, he got off of me and said, “Don’t worry, I’m not done with you, I’ll be back,” and went to the bathroom. As soon as he left, I threw up. I tried to get up, but I couldn’t move, I was in so much pain! He came back with a towel and said, “This is where the fun begins!” He tried forcing himself inside of me but he was too big. I started screaming in pain and all he did was keep trying. He finally forced himself inside me and all I could do was scream for him to stop and that it hurt. But he didn’t. He just laughed at me. He told me he loved me and he said he was glad he had me. He used my thighs for support as he thrusted. He held them so tight, I was starting to bruise. Every time I fought, he cut me. At one point, he cut my vagina and told me, “Keep fighting, I dare you!”

He told me he loved me and that he was lucky he had me. Then he said “it won’t hurt as bad if you stop moving!” I wished he would’ve just killed me right there. I couldn’t handle the pain. I couldn’t breathe because he was thrusting so hard. It felt like he was crushing my lungs. Eventually, after what seemed like hours, he was done. And I was bleeding, a lot. He told me to go clean myself up, but I couldn’t move. I was in so much pain. So he carried me to the bathroom and put me in the bathtub, turned on the water and told me to clean myself up. I just sat there and cried as the water burned every cut he made on my thighs. There were about 20-26 deep cuts. The water was full of blood. I felt so disgusted with myself. I couldn’t believe I loved this guy. It all felt like a horrible nightmare, I wished it was.

He came back in, got me out and dried me off. He threw me my clothes and told me to get dressed, his parents were on their way home. I couldn’t stop crying as I tried to get dressed. I was bruised all over my wrists and thighs and still had a really hard time breathing. He told me that I was going to tell everybody that the reason my lip was busted was because we were throwing the baseball and it hit me in the mouth. I just agreed. He hugged me tight and told me he loved me.

I couldn’t stop shaking and I could barely move. After we ate, him and his parents took me home. He walked me up to the door, kissed me goodnight and left. My dad wasn’t home yet and my mom was too drunk to notice that I was bleeding through my jeans where he cut my thighs, in tears, crawling up the stairs. I broke up with him that night.

I could barely move the next day for school. I felt like I was hit by a bus. My sister had to help me get dressed because I was in too much pain. I knew my ribs were bruised, along with my thighs and wrists. When she asked, I just told her I didn’t know what was wrong. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell anyone.

I self harmed. A lot. I attempted suicide 3 times. I had nightmares every night and would subconsciously scratch myself in my sleep, to the point where I had what looked like really deep = all over my body. Sometimes there were =, sometimes there was just one line, and sometimes there were 3 lines. It was so incredibly painful.

The next year, my sophomore year, I saw him everyday. And after school, I stayed after for JROTC but he would come into the hallway where the room was and wait in the hall for me. I was so afraid if him, I did anything he told me to. I was dating one if his friends he played baseball with at the time, and out of fear, I cheated on him. He would flick my scratches, call me names, and get really aggressive with me.

On the one year mark, I finally told my girlfriend what happened.. Since then, she’s been helping me through this as best as she can. And I honestly wouldn’t be here if weren’t for her. Eventually, I told my best friends. They have been amazing and are here for me when I need them. I had a forensic interview and I’m currently going to counseling. I will always be afraid of him, heck any male really. I still have nightmares almost every night , but the scratching has stopped. I will forever be scarred from him. Physically and emotionally. But I am ready to try to move on from this and definitely not let this define me and who I am.


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