I was raped two years ago at a high school party when I was 16. A lot of factors made the experience traumatic for me, but I think the most disturbing and upsetting of those was the fact that I was unconscious for most of it. I had passed out, I was extremely intoxicated. My best friend at the time gave my rapist permission to “hook up” with me, simply so she could hook up with his friend. This creep actually had a reputation of taking advantage of drunk girls at parties… he even had a nickname “Raper Ryan” (I have changed his name here). I had bummed a cigarette from him once and he flirted with me, but I knew his reputation and anytime I ran into him at parties, I blew him off.
When I began to wake up on this particular night, I found myself in the back of my own car being raped by a guy I knew only as “Raper Ryan.” I couldn’t say a word. I was scared and alone and drunk and confused. He was a big guy, not fat but tall and broad – he was older. He was 19 and I heard one time that he was a great baseball player. His hands were wrapped tightly around my upper arms and his body was heavy on mine, I was held down and helpless. I was in pain but couldn’t move or speak. Eventually, I was able to whisper “I have to pee, I have to pee, get off.” It was only then that he noticed I was awake and aware – and his eyes filled with what I believe to be a sudden shiver of panic when he noticed the same in mine.
He eventually let go of his hold and as soon as he did, I hurriedly tried to get out of the car, but before my feet could reach the pavement, he threw his arms around me and yanked me back into the car saying “you have no clothes on sweetie.” He said my name too, he knew who I was and that is something that forever haunts my memory. Sometimes I can still hear his voice saying that sentence, saying my name, and it repeats over and over in my head.
The month and a half right after I was raped, I suffered from PTSD. I could not sleep. I would toss and turn each night with anxiety and I would relive the event over and over. It was not until I nearly died from an intense illness, spinal meningitis, that I finally spoke to my family about what had happened. The doctors said that I got the illness because of stress and lack of sleep.
Through therapy and the help of my close friends and family, I was able to heal and accept this event as part of my life that is in the past. It happened, it was unfortunate, but I REFUSED to allow it to DEFINE ME. And I will tell you how I did that…
I forgave my rapist.
After nearly two years of “being over it,” something unexpected happened, something that I knew would either make or break me… I ran into him. He walked into Easter Sunday Mass with his family – and it was then that I recognized him as more than my rapist… I saw him as a son, a brother, a student, a friend. And as he stared at me nervously all through that service, I eventually worked up the courage to look him in the eyes and face my fear. We never spoke, but in that moment I not only forgave him, but I also gave myself freedom. I allowed myself to live again and that was something I never realized was in my control. Here is part of a letter I wrote to him but never mailed:
“Today I am doing something you might not even realize you need; I am forgiving you for what you did and what you had robbed from me. I forgive you, dear Rapist; that is what I choose. To hate you would be easy, but to forgive you is one of the hardest things I have had to do. And that is just a testament to my power, the power that I now hold over you. But I will never forget it, nor do I want to. I have grown because I had to and I have learned to live again. Not many can share in my experience, but that is precisely what makes me a stronger and more beautiful person than I was before… that ugliness you made me live through and my capability, today, to overcome you.”
I was raped at the age of 12. I was spending the night with my friends and just one guy stopped by, he kept saying how cute I was and he would like to take me on a date. I went to use the bathroom and had a friend refill my pop for me, little did I know they put a pill in my drink and put alcohol in it as well. I went outside to get some air because I was feeling sick, he came out to check on me, I was behind the garage just in case I got sick, I didn’t want my friends to see. I started to feel better, he gave me a hug, then I started to I guess you could say fall asleep from the drink. I woke up, he was pulling up his pants, mine were still down. I am now 25 years old, I am still in therapy to this day and on medications because of that night. After than night I went into depression and gained a lot of weight, which I have never been able to lose because that night plays over and over in my head. After 13 years, I still don’t know if I can forgive him. I want to so I can get my life back, be happy and love my life again with the love of my life. How can I forgive him? To me he is a monster and deserves to get punished, but I was to afraid to tell anyone until 10 years later. I have no idea how to even begin to forgive him.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t know what else to say other than thank you for this. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I was also raped, by a boyfriend for 3 months. it was torture. a living nightmare. I’m in a program called Celebrate Recovery and we’re at the step on forgiveness and this is the hardest thing i have had to do. a lot of people think forgiving is letting them get away with it but its only letting go of your side of the tug o war rope. forgiveness is not for them its for you. and you can still forgive and turn him in as well.
Thank you. That was very brave of you to both write this and to look your rapist in the eye. You are obviously very strong. You’re right when you say that our attacks don’t define us. It’s bad that it happened, but it’s over and we can emerge stronger. It’s been a year and half since my attack, and I’m not exactly sure how I would react if I saw my rapist. For a while, the idea of forgiving him was out of the question. I never want to hold a grudge against anyone.
Thank you so much for sharing….One of my most trusted guy friends betrayed me and I still can’t say the word. In a way I guess I haven’t fully accepted it. I go back and forth with it. I’ve questioned my relationships with various people since then and I too don’t want this to define me.Thank you so much though…you have no idea how much this has helped me.
Thanks for sharing. I was raped almost my whole childhood from 8-14 years old. Almost every single night.I was afraid to tell my mom. He would even check me out of school on the days I stayed with my grandma to get away from the abuse. At 14 I finally told someone, I just couldn’t take one more night of that. After I told, the news spreader in our small town. Only it was so far from the truth. I started being known as the whore who slept with her moms husband. He also gave me herpes. My first child died from the herpes that he gave me. I blamed myself for everything. Even now 14 years from the day he was sentence to 251 years I still don’t know how to forgive.
I was Raped in November by a guy who I was seeing, who I trusted. I chose not to take it to Police, I actually went to work within an hour of being raped. At first I was in Shock. Once the shock had worn off I refused to accept the fact and simply assigned it as a bad breakup. I worked two jobs averaging 75 to 80 hours a week. at the end of the day I would resign by getting vary intoxicated. One day it all came falling down and I had been forced to accept what happened to me. I hate him, I hate him so much. This has slowly taken everything away from me. I used to be a forgiving person but words cannot explain how strong my hatred is for this Horrible monster…. That being said Several close friends have explained to him that I need to forgive my rapest. I have come to my own understanding that I need to in order to get my life back. My attacker contacted me and I have always, avoided contact in any way shape or form. If I want my life back I need to forgive. I have been told that by my closest friends. by those I care about most. I just don’t know how.
I am learning how to forgive my rapist. While I have not yet been able to fully forgive him, things like this are helping me get there. Thank you for posting this.
I was raped twice, once at 14 years old, by a friend. By someone I trusted and was starting to fall in love with. He took me to a quiet field on the school grounds to ‘talk’ and before I knew it, my trousers were down and so were his. I have forgiven him. However, I will never forgive the teacher that told me ‘ sometimes girls say yes to things they don’t want to do, but it isn’t rape.’ I never told anyone about it until just three nights ago. The second instance was when I was 16, only one and a half years ago. And I told no one once again. Because this horrible boy told everyone in my college that I tried to sexually assault HIM. I was too scared to try and tell anyone any diffferent because they would never believe me. That, I cannot forgive. I don’t know if I ever will. Thank you for this. It makes me feel so much better about forgiving the first boy. However, as much as I wish I could do the same again, I don’t think I ever will.