I went to a guys house who I had mutual friends with while my mom was out of town. He picked me up and we went to his house and played pool and talked. While I came over to just hangout and have fun it was summer. We went to his room and watch tv we both were laying together and just on our phones. Until Jen asks me “can this be our little secret” and in my head I’m thinking he doesn’t want anyone to know that Jen hung out with me. And I was curious as to why. We started making out which I was okay with and he started fingering me. (Before this I had only kissed a boy). He was kissing my neck and went lower and tried to unzip my shorts I just pulled his face to mine to show him I had no interest in anything more. He pined my arms down and was on top of me very forcefully. He unzipped my pants again and I said no but he didn’t it anyway and he was doing things to me and I froze. I felt like I couldn’t move. I don’t remember what I was thinking other than to act like I wanted to. So I was making morning noises. He pulled down his pants and without a condom he forced himself into me. I’m still frozen terrified and I didn’t know what to do. I’m mad at myself for not pushing him off of me and calling my friend to come pick me up. After he was done we got dressed and as we were leaving he said one thing “our little secret… right” at the time I didn’t think it was rape but as I think back he had done and said those thing she before and done it before I could tell this wasn’t his first time doing this. I went home and goodnight my friends that it was consensual And that it was fun. He hadn’t used a condom so I had to get a plan b and my friends mom told mine. She was furious and called me a whore and slut. She Also didn’t know anything. Until my big sister came over and calmly ask me what happened until I broke down and told. She was the first person I ever told the truth. It’s only been about a month since and i feel beyond lost and like it was my fault. How could I let this happen?
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Brave Survivor – you did not LET it happen! Your brilliant writing shows that he knew EXACTLY what he was doing ” our little secret” and that he knew it was wrong, he knew you did not want to do it but he is a criminal and preys on young girls who are learning to be strong.You said NO and he did it anyway. These days GUYS KNOW that NO means NO. It was NOT your fault. I am glad you have a good big sister and you were so brave and strong to tell her the truth. I hope she and you can find you a therapist or someone to listen to your feelings and give you counseling. I am sorry about your mom – she could not be more wrong – you are not those names, I won’t even write them because they are so untrue – you are the opposite – you are good and brave and strong. It’s easy to feel lost when you have been treated extremely wrong and we have learned on this site that when a good human like you is in danger, “freezing” is a self defense behavior that is very normal. He is a criminal and if you had fought him he might have hurt you even more. Please flag this page with your story so you can show it to any people in authority in the future – a BRAVE outcry this close to the crime against you could be important. Keep talking to your hero sister and please find another professional to talk to. Keep us posted here on how you are doing – you are a hero too!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story here. What happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! We often hear about fight or flight when we’re in a traumatic situation but we rarely hear about a very common third response which is freezing. It’s your body’s way of protecting you. You are NOT a slut and I’m so sorry that was her response to you. It wasn’t your fault. Feeling lost is a pretty normal feeling after something like what you experienced and I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about what happened. They can not only help you keep track of any logistics that you might need to but they also can help you work through the emotions you’re feeling (which can be shockingly confusing). You can work through this. It takes a lot of work and time but I believe in you and I know you deserve it. Love, Alexis
You are so brave. I am not a victim of sexual assault, but half of my friends have been. What happened to you was not your fault. Don’t worry, freezing is your body’s natural way of protecting you. Again, what happened to you was not your fault. You are so brave for what you went through, know that I look up to you.
Hugs and more hugs,
Jessi
This was only a month ago and yes, you will have many more months and years ahead where this will hurt, but you did nothing wrong. Trust is not a crime. Moaning, but never saying yes is not consent. You began with no and this does not have to be a secret. While the statute of limitations is still enabling prosecution, have you thought about reporting this? I know it is difficult. Trust me, I know. I did not have a choice in the matter of reporting. My mother did it for me as I was a minor and it was hell and mixed with the trauma and the confusion, it sent me to the mental hospital for two weeks. You do have a choice right now even if you did not then and you should take your time. However, you did state that you felt, based on his predatory requests of secrecy, that this was not his first time, which also means it is like not his finale either. This is your choice as you have had choice taken away from you and for now, you should focus on healing, on staying alive, on not believing the hurtful things said by those around, and believing what happened to you was not your fault, accepting it and moving forward into the world full of choices that are yours to make.