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Holding It In

I was 14, a virgin, naive, trusting at my first sleep over at my father’s friend’s home with his older teenage daughter and my sister. He was part of a group of 19 and 20 year old that were friends of the teenage girl hosting the sleep over. Twenty, tall,tan and totally charming as he sat next to me and told me how beautiful I was. I for the first time felt special for being a female not a daughter or student. We spoke for hours the evening turned into night and he remained my Prince Charming, sweetly singing my praises. When I headed to the bedroom I was to share with my sister that night I had a smile on my face thinking of my Prince, I fell asleep with that grin on my face. I suddenly could not get air and I awoke suddenly I could feel a big hand muffling my face. I tried to struggle with his one free hand he gestured to stay quiet, then he leaned down and whispered that if I made a sound he would tell everyone that I told him that I wanted him to have sex and that I was a slut,a disgrace. To this day I do not know why I never cried out or screamed. His dark outline was pressed against me and his eyes that gently and warmly looked into mines just hours before seemed to burn cold, fierce, and demon like. His cologne mixed with his sweat to make an unusual musky odor that climbed into my nostrils and lingered. My cheeks got wet as the tears rolled down my cheeks, and though the tears came no sound followed. I laid there and never screamed his soft grunt and my little sister’s snore a few feet away created this awful musical sound that allowed my soul to dance right out my body and almost into the air. I was not there, in my body I was out of it, above it anywhere but there. Suddenly he collapsed on top of me and whispered “thank you” and rolled off.. as quickly as it started it ended. I waited for him to leave before I would allow myself to even move to get up then I went to the bathroom and washed the damaged innocence from my body. I put on a different night shirt and underwear to return to bed but I could not sleep, I gazed out of the window and let the tears fall till the sun rose.

In my 15 years since I have never been able to have a good relationship with any man and never experienced pleasure during sex. That night my “prince charming” did not give my the fairy tale he took it away. He branded my soul in a way I have never shared with anyone. I carry the guilt and pain, the memories of that night every day of my life when I am sure he has probably never thought twice of it.

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