I was out on a Friday night with my best friend at a nice hotel bar in the city. I was a little drunk, but not much. I met a nice man who laughed with me and showed me pictures of his dog. I decided to go back to his hotel with him (a decision that haunts me). Once we were back, I just remember having a bad feeling. I didn’t actually want to have sex. I only wanted to be out of the noisy bar. I felt myself not wanting to be there anymore. I don’t remember how my outfit came off, but I remember being on my back naked and him on top of me. I remember saying no a lot of times before he was inside me. After that, I remember him moving me around where he wanted me, me crying, him covering my mouth and also putting a pillow over my head. I thought he was going to kill me and I remember laying very still because I could tell he was enjoying when I struggled. I did and said some things during the rape to try to convince myself I was wanting it, which confuses me to this day. Maybe I thought it wouldn’t be so bad if I just convinced myself I did want it. I refused to think I was being raped. I remember thinking, “This doesn’t happen to girls like me, I’m smart and strong.” I hugged him goodbye afterward. And as I walked to the elevator I remember looking over my shoulder being terrified. I was so terrified the rest of that night and was hyperventilating when I got home. I couldn’t tell anyone what happened because I refused to use the word. I just cried and couldn’t breathe right. The next morning, I got plan B and just went about my life. I tried to bury it.
— Survivor, age 22
I know exactly what you mean – telling yourself that you wanted it, your panicked mind scrambling to come up with something that will seem less traumatizing. So many of the times I was raped or used, I convinced myself that it wasn’t rape. Anything to not feel weak, anything to not feel pathetic, stupid, anything to not be a victim. Because strong girls aren’t victims, that’s a label for someone else. Not me. Not me!! That was what I thought. Sometimes I still go back into that confusion. Sometimes my mind still tries to smooth out the terrible truths just to make them easier to bear. But at the end of the day you can’t run away from yourself; you’ll only be running in circles. It’s simpler to just sit down and be honest with yourself, write down what you feel and have conversations with all the voices in your head. In the end, you’ll probably find out that all of them are saying one thing: that you’re scared something is wrong with you because of what happened. And that’s the start to healing, knowing that you’re scared. That fear is just fear, an emotion. It never asked for that much power.
Survivor – you are very amazing and articulate. It’s fairly clear you were drugged, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT! I was just using caps as to my emotion – sorry. You are very smart with survival skills in this incident – you made sure not to provoke the CRIMINAL, you did say things to the CRIMINAL which would guarantee you might live. You may be confused but you should NOT be because you are brilliant and smart and you are a good helper to other women !!
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story. It was NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! It doesn’t matter that you went back to his room with him; you didn’t give consent. You said no. He had no right to do what he did to you. The things you said and did – you did them to survive, both mentally and physically. But it can be really confusing and I would encourage you to talk to a therapist. They can help you process everything you’re feeling because burying it doesn’t work for long. You deserve to heal from what happened to you and I believe you can do it. Rape happens to strong and smart women; it happens to all kinds of women. I believe you are strong, smart, brave, and special. And even though you are all those things, you’re still allowed to be hurting. You can work through this. Sending you lots of love, Alexis