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How Many Times?

I have been raped, I don’t know anymore whether I admit, or declare it.
My first time, also my first time, was on a date with my boyfriend. We were making out, and he went up my shirt, and I stopped him with a no. He kept trying until he got to 2nd base, and then went under the shirt, and an emphatic no didn’t stop his hands. I included a no at each stage, through penetration, intercourse and orgasm. my opinion was clear, and unimportant.
On Monday, he had a date with a classmate, and we weren’t committed, in that order.

Less than a week later, we had the stereotypical rivals football game, which we lost in the fourth. Walking home, through a playground in the minor creek and woods, I ran into a guy. He was from the other school, from his jacket. He was cute, nicely built, hot butt. He was charming, friendly, and witty.
He was a rapist, and pulled me into the brush. He wasn’t real gentle with it either.

A couple of weeks later, I had just finished my period; a good upturn in my fortune dispelling my worries from the other 2. I was walking home from a friend’s, and a drunk man, stinking of cigar and alcohol, pulled me behind a dumpster. I guess I could have screamed, but it was easier to let it happen, so I let it happen, and I guess decided that was easier.

I even stopped thinking about it as rape, so through high school and college, I stopped objecting and allowed the sex. No, I can’t name them all past John Smith, or the John Doe that took seconds, or the Mike that was on top of me when I woke up.
I had birth control, but somehow didn’t have Aids when a girlfriend picked me up, and decided she could make me better. We had a usual night at a party, then she refused to go there again, until I cleaned up. She was an awful pain in the ass about it too!
She spent 2 years on me. Even got engaged, and asked me to be Maid of Honor. No one thought of me as a bridesmaid even.

She did good. She did well too! I found my self-esteem. I found a man, a man this time, who wasn’t aimed at my vagina. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t even our wedding night, it was about 3 days into the honeymoon.
He knows about my past, and it was past. We have 2 teenage daughters, who I have talked about my mistakes in detail.
I’m no longer embarrassed. Sharing breaks The Silence.

— Eva, age 41


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