The first time I was molested I was about 4 years old. I barely remember it. My birth mother was very poor and lived with who I’m assuming was a boyfriend or pimp. He used to take me in the bedroom and tell me to take off all my clothes. He would touch me and if I backed away or cried he would spray my eyes with a spray bottle so that I couldn’t stop him. I remember him forcing his fingers inside me and there being a lot of blood and pain. I remember this going on for a while until one day he tied me to the bed and raped me. I think I was 5. I don’t remember much of it happening it’s all blacked out. Shortly after my birth mother was doing prostitution and taught me to do oral to men for money as well. I have flashbacks and nightmares of this still to this day. I always remember being tied to the bed frame while I was being forced to give oral to countless men. I still don’t understand what kind of monster would force their child to do that.
This went on for several years until CPS took my brother and I away. We went to several foster homes until we landed at a good one for about a year. I was 8 and in second grade the next time I was molested. I was at a friends house watching a movie when her older brother about 14 came home from school. He told me to go play in his room with him while my friend stayed watching the movie. I was too scared to tell him no. He told me to lay down on his bed with him, he then slide his hand down my pants and started touching me. I begged him to stop but he kept his free hand over my mouth and his body on top of mine so that I couldn’t move. I laid there silently crying until it was over.
A few months later we moved to a new foster home and we were actually adopted by a wonderful family. I never told anyone about my past abuse because I was too scared and ashamed. I thought it was my fault that it happened, like somehow I had been asking for it or if I was better it wouldn’t have happened. I know now that it wasn’t my fault but I still think about it often and have nightmares. I now suffer from extreme anxiety and PTSD. Everyday is hard but I survived my past trauma and I know I will be able to survive this.
— Rissa, age 20
Dear Rissa – thank you so much for sharing your story here. First, I am so glad you ended up in a loving family. I’m sorry it took so long to get there but I’m so glad you did. What happened to you was NOT your fault; you were not asking for it and it is NOT a reflection of you. The people who were most supposed to protect you failed to do that. You did what you had to do to survive and even though I don’t know you, I am incredibly proud of you for that. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist about what you’ve been through and about the PTSD and nightmares and anxiety. They can help you work through it and give you some ways to cope with what happened and your emotions. They can also help you tell your family if that’s something you end up wanting to do (no pressure; is is your story and you deserve to be in control). I believe you can heal; you are so strong and the world needs your voice. Love, Alexis
Dear Rissa, the human mind is a very strong weapon. You can train your mind to block out your past that haunts you. I’m a guy from India who had similar experiences when I was a kid. I started doing things I really enjoyed, like music or adventure sports etc. I had to keep my mind occupied to not think of all those nightmares that haunted me. I started being around good and happy people. I made sure I started and ended my day with a smile. I try to be occupied all the time. This gives me a good night’s sleep without worrying about my past. I think if you try my way, it will be helpful to you. Avoid bad company. Choose nice people to hang out with and you will be fine. Get a pet. It will give you something to take your mind off of your worries. Just remember that your future is in your hands alone. You train your mind well and you can work wonders. I hope this is helpful.
You are so brave and wonderful and good, do as Alexis often says and talk to someone – a therapist about your fears. But you are a Hero because you care about helping others with your story. No bad guy can defeat you because you are so strong!