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I Blamed Myself

When I was 22 I was a virgin waiting to meet the right person who would love me and who I could make that commitment to.

It didn’t happen that way…

I had worked with the man for a few months and I got along with everyone at work so I treated him like I would anyone else.

I had noticed a few times him staring at me but I thought nothing of it, when I would contemplate on this, I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I had encouraged him in some way.

It was finally the work Christmas party and I had glammed up along with the other girls at work, it was an open bar so everyone went a little crazy. As it got later I became more and more drunk and he kept trying to dance with me but I would walk away.

The director then asked me to go get the next round and next thing I knew he was next to me, he pulled me to a side and began to kiss me. I froze I had no idea what was going on but I wasn’t stopping him, this still makes me so angry. He pulled me away from the bar, by this time I was so drunk I couldn’t walk straight, one of the girls asked me if I was okay and I remember nodding but I wasn’t! He told me we could get a cab to the station and it scares me so much that I have no idea what happened in that cab, my memory of the night is so chopped up, it just makes me feels more vulnerable. We didn’t end up at the station we were instead back at the office, and he pulled me down some stairs while trying to kiss me. I wasn’t ready at all and I shudder even now thinking of this. It just happened and I feel physically sick when I have to describe it. It happened so quickly and after he left me at the station and kept saying sorry.

He is married and at the time he had a new born baby with the same name as me, I found this out after. I blamed myself for a long time but only after two years did I break down and realize what had happened to me. I didn’t report it but I had a great support network, I also didn’t tell my family, I am too scared of the pain and anger it will cause. My faith has kept me strong through this time and I feel like I am on a journey to healing.


  • Alissa Ackerman


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