I was raped three times in my life. After seeing the documentary Brave Miss World and hearing Joan Collins, from the film, who married her rapist, it resonated a lot with me.
I was first raped when I was 16 years old by my boyfriend. I was a virgin waiting for marriage. I was so innocent and I felt that everything was robbed from me. He took me on a romantic date on a beach to have night picnic with wine. I was 16 and should not have been drinking and should not have lied to my mother about where I would be. We started making out heavily and he asked me to take off my underwear. I said no, but he begged me and pleaded with me until I gave in. I told him that I was not having sex because I was not ready. He claimed that he just wanted to feel skin to skin. He laid me down, held my wrist down and became an animal. I yelled stop! STOP! But he penetrated and took my virginity and it was so painful physically and mentally; I felt defeated. He stopped a few minutes later when he felt the stream of blood everywhere. He told me, “I think you got your period.” I told him, “You know this is not my period, how can you do this to me?” I took off and he ran to me to tell me that he would commit suicide that night if I told anyone or wouldn’t forgive him. For months I continued dating him. I was dating my rapist! We never had intercourse again. I felt withdrawn and began drinking a lot. I did not care about myself because I felt worthless. It killed me to know that I would never give my husband the purest me I could have given. It took a while for me to tell people. Only one person believed me and helped me through this. My mother simply said, “You know you wanted it, you don’t have to say it was rape.” Others did not have much of a reaction. He never paid for his crime and I never felt he felt any remorse.
I decided the next person that I will have sex with will be my husband. That same summer, I met a guy on a summer vacation. We began a long distance relationship. Both his parents passed away and he told me that I was his soul mate and that besides his grandma I was all he had. The next summer I went to visit him. He invited me out and despite my mother’s wishes I left the house to go to a club. We drank, dance, and made out the entire night. He walked me home like a complete gentlemen I thought. I was around the corner from my parent’s house and he pushed me into a dark yard of a house that was under construction and pushed against the wall and raped me. This time I said I will fight harder. I hit him and punched him so hard and he didn’t stop. I yelled, but no one came to my rescue. A few days passed, the anger inside me was growing more and more. I called him and he picked up his phone very nonchalant like nothing happened. I felt like I was in the twilig ht zone. Was this the way that relationships were? Is this the norm? Will I always get forced to have sex? I began dating my rapist once again; very much like the first relationship I did not want to have sex. The following summer I went back to see him and he drugged me and rapped me. My body was lifeless but my mind wasn’t. I kept wanting to stop him, but couldn’t. I dated my rapist for five years, from STDs to an abortion; I contemplated killing myself because I still felt worthless. I filled up my bathtub and submerged myself underwater. I thought if I drown in here, it wouldn’t be half bad. I was beyond depressed. I later found out that a young girl who was a virgin, had pressed charges against him and his family paid off the family to keep him out of jail. He never paid for his crimes.
My only support system was my cousin who I confined in the first time and my now husband. I want young girls and any women or man who has been raped to call for help and have that person pay for what he/she has done! Find support because most people will dismiss you, not believe you, or simply pretend like it never happened. I now have a baby girl who I vow to protect her so that no one does this to her!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really resonated with me. I dated the man who raped me, and continued to date him for 8 months after the rape. I thought it was my fault, that this was how relationships were meant to be.
I’m so glad you had your cousin to confide in. I had my best friend, and later, my parents support.
You are so amazing for sharing this story as many women and men I’m sure can relate, as did I.
With love,
Rachel
I feel for you highly, I can understand because I too got raped and still dated the guy only to be treated like a rag doll. I had been raped when I was 13years old.
I only just left him so I’m going through that horrible stage of hate and sadness.
Be strong you don’t need a man….the only one person you can trust is yourself…be who you want to be! x
19years old not 13years old. It’s happened two times
I was raped by my first boyfriend when I was 16 years old. I continued to date him because I felt worthless. He would hit me and call me all sorts of nasty things. He raped me 6 or 7 times. I like you was trying to wait for marriage. I tried to leave him hundreds of times, but I had difficulty getting away.
One such time was on Thanksgiving, a few years back. He called my parents and told them I had sex with him. My parents called me a whore and a slut, and all but kicked me out. For the longest time I was alone because he had turned all of my friends against me. I’m not sure how many times I tried to commit suicide.
Months and months later, an old friend’s mother reached out to me. She never knew my circumstances and she still doesn’t know. But her kindness towards me was my turning point. I made some new friends after that and one of them figured it out. Eventually I was able to escape.
Five years later, I am happily married to a wonderful man who loves me despite of the fact I was raped. He holds me when I scream through my PTSD induced nightmares. I have been in and out of therapy, and I had to move a thousand miles away to get away from my rapist. Something my husband has been lovingly supportive of. In the back of my mind I’m scared because I never came forward. I think of the women in his life now. He has a girlfriend now…I am so scared for her. She is a beautiful girl. I am afraid she is as trapped as I was.
The vermin who raped my wife when she was a teen came around to see her and said he wanted to meet me. I saw him, but did not meet him face to face. I decided he was not worth risking a prison sentence.
His mother still lived nearby.
Then, she has lied to me so many times plus overhearing her lying to others that I really don’t believe her strongly enough to do anything about him. I just don’t DISbelieve her.
I am so thankful for people brave enough to share their stories, there is something comforting in knowing that you are not alone… although I would never want someone to feel the fear and discomfort that I too felt.
My ex boyfriend, whom I dated for 3 years after the first incident, raped me many times during the course of our relationship although the first time it happened we were not dating.
We were hanging out at our neighborhood pool after work with a bunch of friends… since it was right after work we only had an hour or so and then the sun went down and it got chilly so everyone wanted to go home. He asked me if I wanted to go home with him to continue hanging out since we didn’t get to see each other long at all and I agreed thinking it would be fun and we could watch a movie and chat about our work day. Almost immediately after we got to his house he mounted me, fully clothed, and started dry humping me. I asked him to stop multiple times and tried to push him off of me but he ignored my request and continued to dry hump me… pulled my pants down and held me down by my arms as he had unprotected sex with me. I cried silently during the whole thing, I remember thinking to myself, “this is my fault what else did I expect going over to a boy’s house late at night… I should’ve known exactly what was going to happen.”
I went home that night after he fell asleep, I left silently and made sure not to wake him up.
I cried the whole night, I just knew something wasn’t right about the way I felt during sex and that it was not consensual…. what bothered me most is that he continued to have sex with me even while I was crying quietly…. did he not know or did he just not care?
I hoped that he would never talk to me again after that night, but sadly he did and shortly after he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Because I identify myself as a christian and I had sex with him, dating him was my way of trying to make things right in my mind since I never wanted to have sex outside of marriage.
We continued to date, he continued to sexually abuse me in many ways but since it was my first relationship I thought all of these things were “normal” although undesirable aspects of a relationship…. I didn’t recognize that it was abusive behavior.
He would call me a lesbian if I was not in the mood to have sex with him or accuse me of cheating or tell me that I was the reason for his low self esteem which made me feel like an abusive girlfriend…. the last thing I wanted to do was be the reason for his sadness!!!!
I knew I could not be in the relationship any longer when I hadn’t seen him in 2 weeks and he cheated on me…. When I went to his house to talk about it he pinned me down and tried to have sex with me… I told him NO very firmly so I could not be mistaken and told him that what he is doing is abusive and crazy and I will not be in this toxic environment any longer. Packed my things and left. Although that was not the last time I heard from him it was the beginning of the end.
He would call me and scream at me and tell me that I was a crazy whore and make me feel crazy like I was hurting him and being unfair to him.
It is very important for people to share their stories of sexual abuse so that other women may realize warning signs of the beginning of a toxic relationship so that they may end it before they get to entangled…. It can be very confusing but f it doesn’t feel right IT ISN’T.
So sorry to read of the traumatic experience you went through…it really breaks my heart to read what you went through but I am super proud of you for getting out of such a toxic relationship. I so hope you’ll heal now…wish I could give you a hug and in some way help you to heal. Do seek a therapist to help with your healing process. It’ll help.
This happened to me when I was 18. I got into a fight with my mom ,and had no where to go ,so I called this guy I had been dating. I was a virgin ,and didn’t want to have sex I was crying ,and laying on his bed then he started touching me ,and I said no stop. He didn’t stop ,and it went on for hours. He also put it in my butt a couple of times. He laughed and thought it was funny. I later found out he had taken one of those sex pills that keeps guys hard for hours. I tried to rationalize why I dated him ,and let him continue to live with me for about 5 months. While we dated he did this very often at least 4 times a week. I also have been friends with him and have tried to make it better than it was. I confronted him about it one day ,and in his mind he doesn’t see it that way. He did it again a few weeks ago ,and I want to press charges ,but with our history I know how it goes for rape victims getting blamed ,and I can’t handle that. I have sense had a different view on myself ,and very low self esteem for the past year I happened about a month before I turned 19. I’m now recently turned 20 and have realized how painful this is too me still. I cry when I think about it ,and I just don’t know how to get on and move on.
Please speak to someone about this. Being treated in such a manner is not right, please speak to a professional, if nothing else just for your sanity.
Oh my gosh! Thank you SO much for posting this story. I had something similar happen to me. I was in my 30’s and I went to a camp out from the old fraternity and sorority that I had been in. It was all old alumni like myself. I ran into an old friend who was going through a divorce. He gave me klonipin and the rest of the evening I remember nothing. I never drank. I passed out in his tent because I woke up there at 12:00 noon the next day, naked, and alone in a tent with him. All the other campers were gone! I freaked out and he spent the day trying to calm me down. I KNEW this guy. I had known his wife and his kids! I couldn’t believe it. He convinced me it was just a messed up night and that it was okay. I dated him for a few weeks, but the whole time I felt so gross. I was never interested in him to begin with. So, I stopped talking to him. Eventually, he told everyone (all of our friends) that he had sex with me. I felt like I was in High School. The guys high-fived me and my girlfriends stopped talking to me. I had a sorority sister say to me, “How could you have done this? If he had rapped you then you would have pressed charges.” Needless to say, he went back to his ex-wife (who was a sorority sister of mine. This is why I would have NEVER slept with him the first time.) They got remarried and they told all of our friends that I was lying. I didn’t lie. What I don’t understand is why did I choose to sleep with him after he raped me? That was my fault. I think maybe my friends would have believed me if I hadn’t done that. I was 35 at the time. It just goes to show you that you are never to old to be in this situation.
Because you had to make it ok. Make it make sense. I know because a similar thing happened to me. I was much younger but that doesn’t matter. I wasn’t drugged. I was stunned and shocked and violated. You were too and worse. I was naive to men. I hadn’t been with anyone in my life at that point. I was raised Christian and wants to save myself if not for marriage, at least for the first person I fell in love with. I dated him for a year after. He was abusive, controlling, pushed my friends away and would have pushed my family too, but that bond was to strong. I never let myself realize that it was actually rape until this past January. I’m now 54 years old. I now understand why I made a lot of the choices I’ve made and why I always had this feeling of not being worthy of anything. Of being a fraud somehow…like any minute, people would figure out who I really was. Now that I understand that it was rape, and that I needed to make it fit my sense of what was ok and what wasn’t, I can finally understand that I was a victim. I was full of shame and that kept me in that abusive situation. I finally broke up with him. He stalked me for months physically and on the phone. Then finally moved on. I never told anyone. Not one soul. I still don’t understand why I felt I had no one except that he had pushed all of my friends away and I couldn’t face telling my family. Anyway, if it doesn’t feel right, even if it doesn’t fit the ideal you have I. Your mind for yourself, IT ISNT RIGHT!!! Get away from them and seek help IMMEDIATELY! I went on to a healthier relationship. But then married an emotionally abusive man that it took me 19 years to get away from. I’m now happily married to a wonderful man. I can’t imagine how different my life might have been had this not happened and had I had anyone to turn to. I’m just now working through letting the shame and regret and guilt go now after all these years. I think you were doubly and triply hurt by your friends rejection of your truth and that pig of a man and his wife further rejecting your truth. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. But you were not at fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I hope you find peace and help processing what happened to you so that you can let it go. Peace and love to you.
Thank you so much for helping me feel less alone. I can’t share what happened to me, because I waited too long and too much messed up stuff happened to me prior to make me accept what happened and my situation. By the time I tried breaking the silence it was too late, and as a result of my choices I am permanately silenced. I hope this site helps other victims dating their rapists come forward and get out.