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I Didn’t Even Know

I was 12 when that hideous man put his filthy hands on me. It’s been 8 years almost and everyday I suddenly remember what had happened…his name, his face, his voice rings in my ears. He was a relative of my friend. We used to go to his house cause my friend wanted to meet him and get candy or snacks. I tagged along cause he treated us like his children and for the free candy. But I payed a price. Oh I did and I’m forever haunted by it.

I think it was the first time Ii went to his house and my friend wanted to watch tv so I did the same. The tv was in his bedroom where we sat on his bed. He lay down, besides him was my friend. He tickled her neck and did the same to me. I was a child. Although I didn’t like that he touched my neck, then my arm, then tried to get to my chest, but didn’t cause I blocked my front with my arm. He made it seem like he was naive and didn’t know he was invading my personal space. At least that’s what I thought like I said I was a child.

When he tried to tug through my arm, I got up and went home. I didn’t feel right with it, so I decided to stay away from him. Then we visited him again a few times. I did not agree to watch TV again and we just took candy and left besides it was boring and way better was to play outside.

Then one day my friend went to the bathroom and he suddenly came behind me and grabbed my boob. He squeezed it while making small conversation and I was shocked and quiet didn’t understand what happened. My friend came out and we left. All the while, I pretended like nothing happened.

This happened twice again. He just came from behind and grabbed me while my friend was too eager to rush to the kitchen to get crisps. I hated him. I hated that disgusting horrid feeling that this was not okay. I was always told to guard my lady part and this guy just violated me. I still went to his house, but stayed away and walked quickly besides my friend. I sometimes avoided going saying I got bored there or that I just wanted to stay outside or didn’t want to eat anything. I was the type to follow my friends around so it was hard to make excuses.

At that point, I didn’t know about sexual abuse. I was just simple. Then that last day that I ever entered his house was when I gripped reality. My friend went to the bathroom and he took that time to torture me. He suddenly came in front of me, twisted my head and kissed me. With one hand assaulted my chest. I couldn’t move. I was frozen, shocked. I couldn’t comprehend what happened. As soon as he released me, I stood unable to move.

When my friend came, I left. That kiss shook my senses. I made my self strong and never let anyone find out. Not my friends. Not my mom. I didn’t want to hear of how bad and evil was the thing that happened to me. I was too scared. I didn’t want sympathy. I wanted to forget. I was sure that he’d deny it.

Now, when I’m writing this, I feel nauseous. Like every time those days play in my eyes. I shudder .. I cried and sometimes still do. I just pray that I never meet him again.

Pain never heals. I got used to it after I accepted what had happened to me and promised myself that never ever will I put my guard down. I was innocent, didn’t know how to react but now I’m strong and I’ve come to terms that life is about lessons. Time will pass, that was my fate. I haven’t let him win. I’ve moved on long ago. Yes, I pretend like it never happened but it did. That scar will stay with me, but I haven’t let it be my downfall. It feels good to have let it out.

Now, only besides my God, you know. God will show that man his hell bound place. Please don’t loose yourselves for having no fault. I survived and you will too. Big or small, the pain will make you tough. Trust me, be your own saviors. This life is far too precious to kill. Time never stays the same. Fight.

Thank you for hearing me out.


  • Alissa Ackerman
    • rocket
      • Alissa Ackerman


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