It began when I was nine years old. I man in our neighborhood would come around on his motorcycle and see me. He told me to get on the motorcycle and kidnapped me. I did not know what to do so I did what he said to do. He would take me out to the place in a forest where he had a wooden board and would rape me in every way one could be raped. He would scare me and leave me out there to walk home alone at night.
I never told anyone and no one ever asked where I was. He continued to kidnap me and rape me repeatedly. I went on until we moved away from the area. During that time my brother had a friend who would come over–he was a child, but would rape me whenever he could. He would spend the night and end up in my bed at night and would rape me. He did this so many times I cannot even remember how many. It continued and I never told anyone.
My grandmother had a stroke and was in the hospital and my mom took us to her aunt’s house to stay. She took us to her son’s house and his son told me to go upstairs and shut the door and raped me. He told me that’s what he does. I was in fourth grade at the time and somehow some boys at school may have found out, they began beating me up at school. I had no one to tell.
I became bulimic at 13 years old and continued the behavior until I was 51 years old. When was 16 years old–the first person I ever told was to a church leader to repent of “what I did wrong.” He responded by telling me to never tell anyone about it again.
I began self-mutilating at 12 years old and have struggled with this for 40 years. I realize now that the bulimia I struggled with for 38 years was about wanting to purge and get rid of the pain and poison that was inside of me. It almost killed me. It never worked, I had to get it our by talking about all of it and bringing it out into the light. I suffered from so much shame, depression, anxiety, PTSD, isolation, secrecy, judgement, and a feeling of “badness” for so many years of my life. I now have 17 months of recovery from the bulimia. I am healing.
Thank you for this post. Congratulations on your 17 months of recovery. All of us at Brave Miss World support you, your courageous honesty, and your fight to heal. #IAmBrave
Hi Cecilia,
Thank- you so much for your kind and supportive comments. I have never written this story down or shared it in writing. It felt good to allow myself to do this. I believe I am ready to bring it forth and share it-in hopes that I can help others feel the courage to do the same thing and begin to heal. If I can be helpful in any other way-please let me know. I care and want to help others get free from eating disorders and the other negative effects horrific trauma has in our lives. I want to find meaning in all of it. I believe this is done by helping others. Thank-you for all you have done and are doing to empower, strengthen, educate, and truly care about all the survivors in this world. What you have done is amazing and beautiful.
Jamie,
Congratulations on your 17 month recovery! Recovering from any sexual assault and bulimia is harder than many are willing to admit, it really is a day by day thing so 17 months is a big deal and you should be extremely proud. Your courage is incredibly inspiring and I hope you find all the happiness you deserve. I hope you know that you are never alone, and that you are loved. Just know that if you are ever feeling down, or struggling at all there is always someone out there who cares. Come onto this site, call a counsellor and arrange a meeting, or even an old friend. You are amazing and you deserve to be happy and you are well on your way!
Thank you for sharing your story, you’re an inspiration 🙂
Hannah,
Thank-you for reading my story. I really needed to read your words of support tonight. Recovering from the bulimia has been the hardest thing I have ever done. For so many years I suffered in silence with all of this. I never thought I could get recovery from the bulimia. It had profound effects on my health and emotional well-being. It digs in you, and created dark thoughts as it undercut my self esteem and was a dark secret to hide. I live in gratitude everyday that I was able to take that first step towards recovery. I really appreciate your sincere empathy and compassion. It has been a journey getting out of hell and coming into the light. Thank-you so much for acknowledging me and my attempts and effort to heal and get free of it. Thank-you for caring and sending me a message of hope and loving kindness.