I didn’t realise until now

For years I have been suffering with depression ,anxiety and OCD. I often wondered why I felt like this,There are many reasons but I think this could be one of them and I have just blocked it out, until now I didn’t think about it but after a recent reminder it’s all I can think about and I need to clarify it with at least someone. I was 14, at the time I was meeting up with a friend and her boyfriend, as you do he brought his friends along with him and we went to chill around town. At one point my friends boyfriend said he needed to go home to get changed or something so we tagged along…Why not? I didn’t intend on doing anything with the guys friend as I didn’t find him attractive. I was there simply as friends. He was about 17/18 at the time I think but I’m not to sure. I went upstairs to the bathroom and I came out, he was stood in the bedroom and asked me to come in, I was shy so I refused but he kept asking and asking saying he wanted to talk to me so I just went in the room with the door open and stood there. He pushed himself on me and started kissing me. It sounds stupid but I didn’t know what to do, all I know is I wasn’t enjoying it. I remember it like yesterday the way his awful tongue felt in my mouth, I told him I didn’t want to go in the bedroom but he peer pressured me and forced himself on me without even making an effort to talk to me first. This is when it happened, he pushed me on to a mattress that was on the floor and pulled my trousers down and before I knew it he had his fingers inside me, I can’t even remember if I told him no but I did not want to do it and he knew this but I felt nervous and forced. I didn’t get chance to speak. He did it that hard that the pain was excruciating and it made me bleed all over the bed. When he realised what he had done he got straight off me, and went downstairs like nothing had happened. I had to tell my friend and we went home. After that I was actually scared of him, I saw him again at a party the week end after and he followed me upstairs to the toilet again but I pretended I was on the phone to my dad and he left me alone. I remember going to school and some boys making fun of me because his friend had obviously saw the blood so he made up some excuse as to what happened and told everyone. I remember being so embarrassed by this but I have always told people that I didn’t want to do it. I blocked it out of my head for a while and a few days ago I saw a picture of him and it brought it all back and now I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s making me angry, this is one of many things that has happened to me. I feel disgusted, I know it was NOT my fault but I feel that I should have spoke up sooner.

— Abigail, age 22