I don’t know if it counts

I was dating my best friend’s older cousin. He was 17, I was 14. Him, my other friend and I had been drinking because his mother bought us drinks.
My friend passed out. I blacked out and one of the few memories I have was him saying “I have been trying to get you into sex mode for hours” I have no idea what that means. I was conscious only enough to remember that and I remember a few flashes of memory between. I know what he did to me after that point and I was a virgin before that. We had talked about having sex before and I never told him I didn’t want to. But I never told him to have sex with me. He started telling everyone we had sex and it was only then that I connected the pieces and realized what really happened.
The entire memory i have what happened is really confusing, humiliating, and vague.
To this day i haven’t coped with it. It is so hard to remember but It’s always there with me. Its like I involuntarily block out what happened.
I know it haunts me. I told my next boyfriend that he was my first and only a year later did I tell him about what happened. He treated me like a liar but I couldn’t make myself say the word rape. I don’t even know if that’s what happened. I’m confused and hurt, its been 4 years. Was it my fault? Did I do the wrong thing? I shouldn’t have been drinking. I wanted to fit in. I was manipulated. He was older. I don’t know.

— Survivor, age 18