Cut right to the chase. When I was in high school, my boyfriend and I were not sexually active. We would just spend a few hours in the back of my car fooling around after going out. Once we got to where he would finger me, I felt incredibly uncomfortable and wanted him to stop. I did not tell him to because I was terrified what might happen.
After this instance, I became uneasy with any sort of touching from him. But I never told him to stop, I just took it thinking it was no big deal. I got to the point where I was scared to talk to him or be around him and broke up with him a few weeks later.
It wasn’t until now, in college, that I knew this event had an effect on my current relationships. I cannot be intimate with my current, loving and supportive, boyfriend without having a flashback and wanting to scream and run away. I have panic attacks and I am constantly thinking about it.
I hate that his memory has so much power over me. I don’t want to call it sexual assault or abuse because I didn’t say no and, whether or not I should think it, the sexual act seems minor in comparison to any other story I have read. I don’t know where to fit my story in, but I felt as though I needed to share it in order to start healing.
— Survivor, age 20
Dear survivor – thank you for sharing your story here; that is the goal of this forum – to help people heal. The truth is that I’m not sure it matters what you call it – your emotions are valid and real and taking care of you and healing is what matters. I would encourage you to talk to a counselor or a therapist about what happened and what you’ve experienced. He/she can help you work through them and – if you want – help you define your experience. I won’t do that for you because it doesn’t matter what I think; it matters what you think. You deserve to heal and move forward and I know you can do that. Sending you love and support, Alexis