It happened on March 17,2018. I had just broken up with my boyfriend the day before and I just wanted my guy “friend” to come over and hang out with me. I’m 17 and he’s 15. I just wanted to get my mind off of the break up and I stated CLEARLY that I didn’t want to do anything, even before he came over.
It was his first time at my house, so I showed him around the first floor. Then he asked what my room looks like so I took him upstairs to show him. He ended up laying on my bed and I tried to coax him off so he’d come downstairs, but he didn’t move. I laid next to him, and I felt so awkward that I put on a movie. I kept the movie playing even when he started to touch me. I didn’t tell him to stop.
I never have sex without Condoms and I didn’t have any, so when he asked to have sex I told him no. He then told me to do other things, so I did and I started to shake and cry, but he didn’t see it. I was completely naked but he only had his pants off. I felt disgusting. He then asked for the second time to have sex, and I again told him no. Then he pulled me on top of him and said “we don’t have to have sex” so I let it happen. Then he started to put it in and I didn’t say anything. I let it happen and I really don’t know why.
As soon as he was done, I put on all my clothes and immediately went to my car to wait for him to come outside so I could take him home. I started to cry, but when he came outside I went silent. I took him to his house and he kissed me and told me that “we should hangout again sometime”. After that, I deleted his number and off of every social media.
I couldn’t even go home because I felt disgusting in my own bed. I drove around for almost 2 hours then ended up in a rite-aid parking lot, and I called my best friend crying and told her what happened.
I’ve told very few people, but everyone I talk to says this isn’t rape. I don’t know what to think of it, but I block it out of my memory for the most part.
I still don’t feel comfortable in my own bed some nights and it’s been almost 5 months now. I don’t know if this is actually rape but I do know that it made me feel like less of a human being.
Yes this was rape, it’s the textbook definition – she says “no!” and she’s shaking and crying, and in your case – you were wise and smart and PREMEDITATEDLY made a verbal agreement ahead of time that there would be no sex.This guy is a predator!What happened was NOT YOUR FAULT!! You did everything and more than what is expected to say no to sex and trust me – this guy knew you did not want it, he knew you were in a vulnerable position, he LIED by saying he did not expect sex to get in your room. Please – you need to do things for yourself to heal – you need to find a counselor or other trusted adult to talk to about your feelings and the attack. A counselor can help you find a new bed or mattress because you should not have to sleep on the mattress you were attacked on. The people you are asking about the rape are not professionals and they have a lack of knowledge of the situation. You are a great human being – you are kind and good and smart and your story will help others. be aware the guy will probably do this again, KEEP this article flagged, you wrote it soon after the attack and having this description on the record may help you and others in the future. You did everything right – HE committed the crime, but you are strong and you will come thru this and be your best – STAY STRONG!!
Who said it isn’t rape?? That was rape. That was definitely rape. Sharon is right, Sharon is dead right. It was not your fault so please do not blame yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed or or feel guilty about. You have support coming from all directions so please don’t be afraid to reach out. I admire your courage and your strength for sharing this. Not many people have the courage to share their stories, which is understandable, given the kind of society we live in. But it’s brave people like you who give everyone a voice and a chance to step out of the darkness, so thank you. Please don’t ever give up on yourself or your journey in making it through this. You are going to be okay no matter what comes your way. You’re so strong, so I know you’ll make it through this. And please don’t forget you are not alone in this, you will never be alone.
Thank you so much for posting your story here. I won’t define your experience for you but I will say this – you didn’t *let* anything happen. Consent doesn’t mean the absence of no; it means the presence of yes. But just because I won’t define it for you doesn’t mean it was ok. It wasn’t and it wasn’t your fault, but what words you use to describe it are up to you. I would really strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist about what happened. They can work with you to define your experience and learn to feel safe in your bed again. I know a few months feels like forever but healing from an experience like yours takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work. But I believe in you and I believe you are worth it and I know you can do it. Lots of love, support, and respect, Alexis